Living in a Limbo

For the past two weeks, my emotional and mental state have been driven into the dirt. Everyday for the past two weeks, I’ve been battling my depression and anxiety, and I’ve been telling myself that I still have a chance.

For the past two weeks, I’ve had possible signs of cancer. I thought I had bacterial infection. I took antibiotics for a week, but I didn’t improve. In fact, these lumps have spread even more. I took another kind of medicine, but it still didn’t work.


I listened in to a conversation between my friends, and they said that one of their friends had a similar condition to me. I didn’t want to chime in, so I just acted disinterested. They talked about how he might also have cancer and how much the chemotherapy would cost (it’s around Php1.6M).

Hearing how much it cost instantly shattered me. I was breaking on the inside. I couldn’t tell my friends what was happening to me. I don’t know why. I just shut down.

With that amount of money, it would put my family in poverty. I have no health insurance or a health care plan. Even if my family would be able to pay, my future would be ruined by it. The worst case scenario would be that I would die because I couldn’t fully pay for the treatment, and my family will be more broken and live in poverty.

I could die before I reached my 28th birthday.

I left my friends and immediately went home. I was having an anxiety attack. I felt Death coming to take me, and I was mortified. I have so many things to do in life, and I began to regret not doing them anytime sooner. I began to regret teaching because it didn’t earn me much, nor did it give me a solid health care plan.

Then I talked to the person who has kept me grounded for the past two weeks. She brings me happiness. She gives me clarity. Without her, my anxiety and depression would have taken me. She doesn’t know, but she’s my lighthouse in this hurricane. Just like a boat anchored to the seafloor, I can’t ever let her go.


Also, I had a fine needle biopsy, so I’ll know between 3-5 days what my fate will be.

Dazed and Confounded

It’s been a while since my last post, eh? Life’s been a blaze like a zombie on fire: stunned and confused, yet knew exactly what to do although never knowing how to execute it.

This’ll be a short one, so I’ll cut straight to the chase. I’ve been having nightmares every night for the past week.

Usually, I can immediately catch myself in a dream, and I could sometimes ride along it. However these nightmares have been working me to the bone. I wake up thinking they’re real, and each one involves some sort of terrible life changing experience.

Most of the nightmares are like recurrences of my some parts of my life, but the anxiety intensity has been cranked to a nine. What’s more intriguing is that my mother is always involved. I never dream about my mother, so you can see why I would think that these hellish episodes were documentaries and not some wicked M. Night Shaymalan fiction flicks.

I’m beginning to think that my anxiety is attacking my unconsciousness. I’ve been a bit on edge for the past few weeks, and this could be a manifestation of it. Why my mother is involved, I will never know.

Hopefully I can sleep tonight without freaking the fuck out.

Changing This Website’s Identity Once Again

It’s been over a week since I posted an essay here on this website. It looks like what I feared from the beginning came true: my posts are irregular. Throughout last week, I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have the fire in me to keep writing. I had a solid schedule, so why couldn’t I keep up? That was the one question I couldn’t answer, yet I did notice something else that I was doing each day. I was always practising my Nihongo every time I had free time.

I still couldn’t understand why I wasn’t writing more frequently on this website. What’s the difference between practising Japanese and writing? It turns out, it’s a lot. I love writing, and that’s without a doubt. However, the biggest difference is grit.

A professor of mine posted a quote on grit, and I wondered where it came from. So I did a quick Google search and found this TED talk:

After watching it, I was able to answer that one question. The reason why I haven’t been writing is that I don’t have the grit for it. The reason why I practise Japanese each day is that I have the grit for it. In fact, anything that is remotely related to Japan immediately captures my full attention be it politics or pop culture. Looking back over two weeks ago, the most fun I had writing was my essay on Falling in Love with a 1980s J-Pop Idol and the Dangers of Reminiscing.

This got me thinking. I think my website should just be centred on my progress towards living and working in Japan (with the occasional blogs). I feel excited just thinking about it, and at the same time, a bit worried since I have never been to Japan and posting about Japanese things seems a bit wrong.

Yet, I think the benefits outweigh that very small consequence. Working and living in Japan has always motivated me ever since high school. I’m 27 right now, and even though I lost sight of Japan during university, I always seem to be drawn back to it.

The prospect of living and working in Japan gives me grit, and I’m totally happy with having my entire life revolve around everything Japanese.

Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

– Angela Lee Duckworth

I Wait for Nobody

A couple of days ago, my mother and I were visiting Churches as a part of Christian tradition. I’m a Buddhist so I didn’t really get into it. We finally took a break in a McDonald’s near one of the churches.

From out of nowhere, my mother told me, “If you go abroad, I might transfer to Cebu.”

I thought to myself, “Okay. I honestly could care less since you’re inheriting grandfather’s land and property anyways.”

But then she followed up with, “You shouldn’t go right away. Maybe it’s not God’s plan that you should go right away. We have to fix some things.”

That pissed me off so much. I wanted to tell her, “I will never wait for you.” But instead, I said, “No. I’m not waiting anymore. I’ve already sent 54 applications just for yesterday.”

***

These sort of things pisses me off so much. I will never wait for ANYONE. I will leave people behind for my chance to achieve my dream. No one will hold me back. When my mother told me to stay behind, I suddenly felt this anchor around my neck. What kind of mother stops their children from progressing in life?

This isn’t the first time she’s stopped me from going overseas. The first time was during my freshman year at DLSU. I was supposed to migrate to Australia with my mother’s friends. I would study medicine and be a nurse. That was the plan until my mother stopped me from going. The second time was when a friend of mine invited me to study Chinese with her in China for a year while we taught English. Again, my mother stopped me from going.

I had an inkling that I was alone in this venture to Japan, and my mother’s words just set that idea in stone. She has lifted that cloud of doubt. I am alone in this.

*Featured image from http://www.us-japan.org/resources/usjapanlinks/education/

Falling in Love with a 1980s J-Pop Idol and the Dangers of Reminiscing

Oginome Yoko is a Japanese pop idol who made her debut in the early 1980s but only garnered attention in 1985. Before I start introducing her to you, I need to tell you how I found Yoko-chan.

There’s a Korean variety show called Weekly Idol where they invite K-pop stars to the studio each week. Around a month ago, Weekly Idol invited CELEB FIVE, an idol group composing of older women comedians. They had been gathering fame in Korea for their single, which can be seen below. (Click HERE for the entire subtitled episode)

I was blown away! These ladies, who are literally middle-aged people, can dance better than most K-pop groups. In the full episode, they explained that the original choreography was from Tomioka High School Dance Club. Here’s an excerpt from Sora News 24 that explains TDC’s performance:

Japan’s economic bubble of the 1980s is a time sorely missed by many Japanese, as a time when money flowed and expense accounts were there to be abused. A group of local high school students, while too young to have actually lived through the period themselves, have now taken the big hair and big fashion of the ’80s and put it into a dance routine that has taken YouTube by storm, ratcheting up millions of views in mere days.

Here’s a video of their performance at one of Japan’s national dance competition:

Seeing the original dance was so amazing! What’s even more amazing is that they’re just in high school! How many professional dancers can actually dance like them? They are honestly so talented. As I watched this over and over, I saw a recommended video, and it looked like they had the actual J-pop idol singing the song along. I clicked it, and here’s what I saw:

Again, I was easily impressed by the choreography. I was also impressed by the singer. I was very judgemental when I saw her because she looked old, and I didn’t think that she could sing consistently. I was proven wrong. She powered through the song and even danced with the girls for a bit. Finally, I found the name of the song, Dancing Hero (Eat You Up) by Oginome Yoko. I clicked the first video I saw, and I fell in love.

A young, cute, fresh face 18-year-old Yoko-chan instantly won me over. Even with her little slip-up, she still was able to perform with grace. Here’s another one of her performance with better quality:

Then I saw another video suggestion of her at 26-years-old. She definitely grew more beautiful, but what shocked me was her voice. Her voice matured so well from a kawaii girl to a sultry onee-sama.

She’s performed Dancing Hero over the years like the one below from 2017 where she looks like radiant ojou-sama *swoon*.

At this point, you’re probably sick of hearing Dancing Hero, so here’s another one of Yoko-chan’s performance called Dance Beat back in the 1980s.

(Here’s Dance Beat in 720p 60fps)

If you made it to this point, congratulations! I initially wanted to title this essay as Finding Oginome Yoko and the Dangers of Reminiscing because I wanted to show you the rabbit hole I went through. I felt like I was being recommended by friends of friends to a girl then eventually falling in love. Does that make sense?

Now, what about the part of reminiscing? Each time I listen to older songs, I’m reminded of a conversation I had with one of my close friends from graduate school. He one day asked me if we could talk about something that happened to him. He told me he had an anxiety attack, which never happened to him before. He thought that he was going crazy since he felt like he couldn’t trust his mind anymore (he couldn’t trust it because he thought he knew himself so well). Then I told him that it was probably a set of circumstances that triggered it. His anxiety could have been a recessive genetic trait and surfaced only now.

He also told me that he wanted to do martial arts as a way to make himself feel better. Then I asked him a question, “Are going to practise martial arts to help improve yourself, or will you do it because you want to go back to those days where you had fewer problems?” He said it was the latter.

That’s the problem with reminiscing. It blinds people of the present day of where they are now. I told my friend that reminiscing is fine; what you want to get out of it is where the problem lies. When I listen to 1980s and 1990s J-pop, I don’t transport myself back in time to where I had anything I could ask for. I use the love that I feel for the music to gather energy and lift me up so I can keep going.

Another danger lies in being stuck in the past. For the majority of my teenage years and early 20s, I was a victim of the past’s temptation. I kept reminiscing about how great my life was and as a result, I wasn’t able to move forward. I wasted 5 years of my life due to my unhealthy obsession with the past.

Many people are victim’s of the past’s temptation, and most of them are older people like my parents. They always dream about what life was like before the changes happened. Maybe that’s just it. People reminisce because they’re afraid of change, and from what I can see, a lot of people who are hoping for change are young or sick of what the older generation has passed on to them.

What do you think? Do you agree with me or not? I wanna hear about it! Write it down in the comment section below.

Featured image from Amazon