Capitulus duos: sursum et altior


Gustave Doré’s illustrations for Paradise Lost by John Milton.

All throughout my life, I’ve been switching back-and-forth, back-and-forth between belief and religion. So i just wanna share them with you, where I’ve been and why. (I’ll put them in bullet form, it’s much easier to enumerate that way :)) )

  • ROMAN CATHOLIC – obviously, this would be my first one. I never chose to be one, duh. I was “re-born” as one, so I NEEDED to be one. Anyways… OH! and thanks to everyone who came to my baptism :) totally waste of time. HAHAHAHA Kidding kidding, thanks anyway.
  • Atheism – I was an Atheist for a time being, although I was too young to know what that was. but I do remember saying “there is no such thing as God, God doesn’t bring my happiness, all he does is TAKE IT” when you lose someone close to you, someone who is a part of you, someone who you could definitely die for, you tend to ask a whole lot of questions. (hint of when I turned Athiest, why is 6 afraid of 7?)
  • Roman Catholic (again) – As I said, I was too young not properly educated to know what Atheism is. So I eventually came crawling back to God, like all those sinners and weak people who have no one to turn to (I’m being very frank and very straightforward, do forgive me, but it’s true. The truth hurts, it hurt when I said that, thus it’s true. Basic 101 logical reasoning)
  • Theistic Satanism – Yeah I know, what the fuck right? But can you blame me for hating God so much after what I’ve been through (and no, it’s not a rhetorical question, I really am asking) So yeah, I did magic circles, candles and chanting so on and so forth, in the end it didn’t work… surprisingly it didn’t. But I did get a hell lot of attention :)) at the tender age of 12, I was a Satanist, impressive is not? (that was rhetorical)
  • n/a – I don’t know what it’s called, nor do I know if it even is a religion. But it’s definitely a belief. It’s not Satanism, but it is in someway involved. I believed in Lucifer (light-bearer) not in Satan :P (this was after I gave some thought into what I got myself into) So the story goes like this:

God was a very very very evil, he was also very very very cunning, conniving, anyway, he was very smart. God, being the almighty evil of the universe, was planning something extremely evil (the word “evil” will be used a hell lot in here, and yes, that was an intentional pun) to be honest i don’t know what his original plan is, but this is the one that’s the most popular one. God was going to create human beings, but of course he created everything else before that. He created humans, so that he could see them suffer. Now human beings are God’s ultimate creation, so God was perfecting the blue prints, he wanted them very intellectual yet very emotional. He wanted to see them suffer, rip each other apart (literally and/or metaphorically), why you may ask? For pure pleasure. It was the icing on his cake. The screams of agony and death are music to his ears.

Now Lucifer, he was a very smart angel. So smart, he figured out what God was planning and he was against this. He finally figured out God’s true colours (God fooled them all, he is very evil and smart :| :)) ) So Lucifer told all the other angels about it. Some agreed with him, some didn’t (obviously, there are some angel who are not freethinkers). Those angels who didn’t agree with what Lucifer witnessed thought he was mad, because they “knew” that God would never do such a thing. So Lucifer and his army rebelled against God and so the “Holy war” began.

So God being God, defeated Lucifer and his army (with the help of his army) Then God had a great idea. He was going to label Lucifer as Satan, the Prince of Darkness so everyone would think that God is pure of fluffy bunny rabbits and rainbow coloured butterflies. Anyway…. God banished Lucifer and his army to “hell”. Basically a place or dimension where Lucifer can NEVER intervene with God’s plans, ever.

So that’s who Lucifer was, he was the angel who tried to save mankind from being toyed around for amusement. I believed he was the REAL saviour. anyway end of that one.

  • Atheism (again) – I thought I was just a non-conformist religious freethinker (although I never knew there was a non-conformist religious freethinker at that time…… I was stupid ok? :| ) But in fact I was an Atheist. I was an Atheist for 5 years then.
  • Roman Catholic – I changed back into a religious person, like REALLY REALLY REALLY religious. Why? Well, there are amazing people out there who can change other people without them even knowing it.
  • Atheism (again…) – So I turned back into an Atheist :| Obviously I couldn’t make up my mind. My mind couldn’t make a firm decision because, well… my emotions are too strong for my mind :| So, most of the time, I’m easily controlled by my emotions. Now that’s a REAL emo. Emo isn’t just one emotion ok? I mean, what word does “emo” come from? RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?? anyway, that aside..

So right now, I’m looking into Deism. I asked a friend of mine, Josh Lipana, he said that I could be a Deist. And I think I might be. Deism and Atheism are not too far apart, but the are definitely freethinkers.

I believe that, whatever a person believes in (God or what-not) is one of the things which what makes a person who he is. And it’s one of those extremely important things in a persons life. Believing in something also reflects your character, your personality, it’s basically like a mirror, but what it reflects is not your image, but the thing which makes you who you are (it’s kinda hard to explain if you don’t see me make these arm and hand movements that help me explain things better :)) ) anyway… the reason why I keep changing back and forth, back and forth is, well I think there are two reasons. One, I seek out the truth. I want to know the truth, whether or not I’m wrong, or whether or not it’ll hurt, I want to know the truth. And two, I seek for comfort. Knowing that something is real and unperfect is better than perfect but yet most-likely to be fake*.

More importantly, I am proud of who I am. I don’t give a rat’s ass about what people think about me. If they applaud me, I applaud them back, if they shun me, they better give a rat’s ass about what I’m gonna say straight up their face. Anyway… I’m proud of who I am. I am a person who doesn’t believe in God** deal with it, or deal with me.

Now I THINK this is what I’m trying to say. I am not afraid to change. Well I was at first, but I fought back. I for myself, I forced people to accept me for who I was. I never accepted to be swayed by the masses. I never accepted to be a person that I am not. So whether or not if it’s religion/belief issues or gender issues or any kind of issue, I change and be who I’m suppose to be, ME. Keep on changing until you find who you are, I know I am. Because, it’s a fact that being yourself, makes a person and the people around him happy. Although…… if people around you can’t accept who you are, there are two things I think which may be the cause. Number one: that person changed into something despicable, like a jerk or an asshole. Although that may be who he truly is, we can’t ignore the fact that he changed for the worst. Two: the people around him are extremely narrow-minded, conservative and most of the time, stupid. If a person finds him/herself in situation number two, I suggest he/her find new friends. They aren’t worth it if they can’t accept you.

I hope I made sense….

obama-change(hi hi hi hi… || from

*fake doesn’t always mean the copy of the original, it could also mean something/someone that’s claiming to be what/who he/it is but actually isn’t. But being fake doesn’t mean it doens’t exist. What it claims to be does not exist, but what it is does exist

**Imma post another blog about how I define God, so just wait for it :P

PS no proof-reading for now… too lazy to read the darn thing :))


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