pic by me
For so long I’ve yearned for inner peace. My mind/thoughts is always fucking messed up… it’s like a train colliding with another. My emotions always gets the best of me… I’m just like an 8 year old :| I REALLY can not control it well… I’m doing better now, but it’s just enough for me not to kill myself.
Why does everything have to move forward so fast??? Why can’t it wait until I fix myself??? Why doens’t anyone fucking notice??? Is it because I’m NOBODY??? Is it because I’m not IMPORTANT enough??? Is it because I’m not deserving enough??? My fucked up life is rolling down hill, and I’m the ONLY one who’s trying to save it. People ask me for help, and I help. I help until their happy. I help until they can stand on their own. But when I need help, guess who comes running to me, here’s a hint… NO ONE.
Just because I answered “I’m fine” with a smile to your “how are you?” does not fucking mean I am fucking fine :| Only one person told me “no really, tell me the truth” others just smile………… the reason why I say that is because I don’t want people to start feeling sad and depressed because of me. THAT’S WHY. So no, I AM NOT FUCKING FINE! I NEVER WAS AND I DON’T THINK I EVER FUCKING WILL! Why? Because I chose not to, that’s why.
I hate the fact that I’m laughing, smiling and having a blast when I’m with my friends. Cause once I leave… I turn up the music on my iPod and you’ll see “depression” all over my face. You should see me when I’m alone, the bad aura around me is thick you could cut it with a knife :| The only person who’s able to stand it for such a long time is my mom (duh)
Seeing other people who are happy, kinda pisses me off. It’s a punch to the face for me. It’s like their saying “YOUR PATHETIC!! LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE AND WE DON’T EVEN NEED YOU!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!”. Lemme ask you, can you live with that EVRY TIME you see someone happy?
Anyway… peace of mind…..
The only way I see how is to fix my life that I ruined. And it’s not easy given my past relationships with certain people (people who you never want to meet, EVER) it may take months, years or even….. never……… but there’s one thing I hate about doing this. Once I start, everyone will move forward, will move father away than before, they will leave me behind… because I have to stay where I am now and go back, although I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to make it back… But I have to, even if there is no one waiting for me to return (no one waits for me anyway, I always do the waiting) But I do have to come back… out of all those unfinished things I left behind, this one is the most important. But I won’t do that first. It’s stupid I know. But you don’t know, so don’t say it’s stupid.
If someone can give me what I need for Christmas, I’ll do anything for you :|
I’ll update this whenever I get new ideas :|