Envy on Father’s Day

If you’ve read my previous entry about my father, you should. It sets the situation for what you’re about to read. But if you don’t want to, it’s fine.

As all of you well know, today is Father’s Day, a great day to be a dad. I haven’t celebrated Father’s Day since 2009, basically because I hate my father. He wasn’t much of a dad when I realised that my mom truly really loved me. Whether or not that love is more than my father’s, I will never know.

I have a friend, who I think I wrote about a while back, and my mother and I are friends with his entire family. His father is a real father figure, strong-willed, caring, funny, all that jazz. I sometimes think “why couldn’t my father be more like him?”.

But what really got me was when his father showed his fatherly affection towards his kids. It’s the type of love that you see only in dads. I grow green with envy every time I see it. During that particular time, all of us (my mom and I plus their family) were at the dinner table, exchanging stories, enjoying good laughs and good wine. Then, the father took a napkin and wiped the mouth of his kid… I just froze.

My jaws were locked down and my teeth ground. I averted my eyes and stared blankly at my food. “Fuck… I hate this feeling” I thought. I envied my friend.

I see these great dads when I go to church (I’m buddhist, but I go to church because my mom wants to). I see these dads hugging their sons and/or daughters, giving them kisses on the head, making them stay put on their seats… I see them being dads.

I know I’m 20-years-old, I know that I should be able to take care of myself, I know that I am already a young adult. But I can’t help but be a kid about it… I want a dad. I’d rather be a kid with a dad than a man without one.

This is painful, but I have not choice but to endure it. I know I can never grow out of this, it’s impossible to. Right now, my mother is greeting my grandfather a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ over the phone… I wish I could do the same towards mine, but he doesn’t deserve it.

I envy kids who have such great dads, I really do. I wish I had a great dad. I had one, but he slowly faded away. He was my Superman, but I guess he’s a supervillian now.

P.S. I just got off the phone with my grandfather (my mother’s father). He told me to take care of myself and my mother since my father isn’t around. I’m glad I got to talk to my granddad.

One thought on “Envy on Father’s Day

  1. It’s still possible :>
    (response to your comment on my blog. I doubt you’ll read it)

    And I envy that your granddad loves you. My remaining grandparent is a turd. Or at least, he treats me like one.


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