When The Conditions Are Too Perfect

Written on March 24

Today was a rainy day. I love the rain. It makes everything nice and cool to the skin; it’s quite relaxing. The sound of the raindrops on the leaves are so therapeutic. So how did I respond to this? I popped the kettle on the stove and made myself a cuppa tea, and warmed up some sweet ensaymada that my mom brought with her from Cebu. I switched on my laptop, threw my headphones on and worked on my final papers for my classes.

Everything was going swimmingly until my iTunes chose to play ART-SCHOOL. For you to understand what I’m going to share to you, you have to listen to one of their songs. It’s a Japanese band by the way.

I began to feel a little nostalgic, but the memories weren’t flooding in yet. Then, I saw a post from a friend on Facebook saying that he/she (keeping it anonymous here) was so glad to have graduated from college after 4 years. A picture of that him/her in a toga accompanied the message, and seeing that outfit and that smile put a smile on my face. Although, that momentary bliss died quickly.

I began questioning myself, my actions and my decisions I made in the past. I then began to regret. If I hadn’t been so stupid and lazy, if I hadn’t been so ungrateful, if only I said thank you more often, if only I said I love you too more often, if only I saw that I was blessed, then I would’ve graduated this year as well. Who knows, maybe I would’ve still kept my family intact if I wasn’t stubborn to see how fortunate I was.

I had a father who was very successful and loving. Although, the way I reacted may be inappropriate, and his actions were definitely… well, uncalled for.

After my regrets were gone and done, my jealousy began to seep in. I was jealous of my friend who graduated. He/she lived my dream of a perfect life. Loving, supporting and successful parents were by his/her side, and he/she studied in one of the best universities in the country which gives him/her a sure-shot-job. I’m jealous of another friend who is an only child, just like me. He too lives my dream life. He’s got successful and loving parents. What do I have? I have something that I helped ruin, my father and mother being the main culprits.

Flashbacks were filling my mind then afterwards. Memories of me being genuinely happy with both my parents and the people I love were so vivid. Especially with one particular person. Now however, this past is scoffs at me. I will never be as happy as I was before. I will never live the life of Riley.

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