Around a week ago, one of my favourite artists released a song on his SoundCloud (video of song above). It left me asking question about what I should be doing with myself. I knew what I needed to do in my life, and I’ve all ready set out a plan for my career. I just don’t know what to do with myself personally.
For the past weeks, many friends have been trying to get in touch with me, and I’ve also been trying to help them out with their problems. I want to help them because I do want to see them smile again (yes, they are of the female kind).
They got me thinking. I’ve been helping a lot of people with their personal problems for the past three or so years, but I really haven’t been paying any attention to myself. My problem with my father is going beyond my control. It’s probably because he has the upper-hand in my family. The fate of my family and my future rests in the hands of an incompetent man. How’s that for being fucked up? Anyway…
I realised that my problems have been piling up since 2008, and I’ve done very little to resolve them. My biggest problem I see that’s within myself is forgiving oneself. It is an extremely difficult task, especially to those who are at fault. I keep saying that I love myself, that there is no other person who can love me as much as I do. Oh, how I wish that were true.
This problem of forgiving has something to do with, as superficial as it sounds, love. Love and intimate relationships were two things that I’ve been trying to avoid because I somehow thought that these two were not important. My academics were always given my utmost attention, and things that were to hinder my progression at my university were considered obsolete.
Although, I have to admit that there were a number of occasions that girls have caught my attention. And I don’t mean the I-kinda-fancy-her kinda attention; it’s the I-really-like-her-a-lot kind of thing. The feeling of being in a relationship again is just so tempting, but it’s also too painful for my to handle.
This is where the I don’t know what to do with myself statement comes in.
As always, I try to solve things about me by myself. I think I need some time alone. I haven’t been truly alone to myself for quite some time. I haven’t been able to give myself a chance to love myself. I keep worrying about other people, not that I’m saying that it’s a bad thing to do. It’s just I haven’t been selfish lately.
I have to be selfish. I have to ignore everyone. I have to take care of myself. I have to look after of what’s left my soul.
May 2, 2012