I’ve been at breaking point for the past two weeks. Around eight days ago, I called Ateneo de Manila University to see if my application for transferee was granted. I woke up as early as I could, because I knew that there would be a long line of people trying to get in touch with their admissions office. I redialed and redialed. They picked up the phone.
“May I please know the status of transferee for [insert name here], please?”
“Please hold, sir.”
A few seconds pass
“Yes.” I answered.
“I’m sorry, you were not accepted.”
“Ah. I see.”
“Thank you for calling, sir.”
“Thank you.” I put the phone down.
I sat quietly for a couple of minutes, staring at the phone. I couldn’t believe what I heard. The only thing that was going through my head was, how could this happen? I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t accepted. It caught me so much in disbelief that I actually sat in silence.
I went to tell my mother the bad news. She looked really disappointed. Huh, she should have seen me when I heard it through the phone. I wonder what my face looked like. We both knew that Ateneo was like the wildcard for my family. Ateneo could have granted me a scholarship. It seems I wasn’t scholar worthy. I never knew that my GPA was so, should we say, unimpressive. I thought I was smart. I really thought I was.
My mom and some of my friends tell me that Ateneo probably isn’t for [me]. I wish I could’ve told myself that before I took the test twice more after the first. They don’t know how much I’ve been through, how much I LOATHE Taft Avenue. How it sickens me each time I see that god forsaken area they call “a street”. The smoke, the heat, the noise, the flood, the trash, the people who come up to you and beg for change (I’m against beggars, it would be a totally different story if they were trying to sell me something, because that would be considered as work).
I’ve studied for Ateneo’s college entrance test while I studied for stuff in La Salle. I had to juggle both while worrying about the outcome of my family due to the sheer incompetence that my father had brought upon my mother and I. I invested so much on Ateneo so I could do splendidly on that test. I even wished on every 11:11PM. DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE HOW DESPERATE I WAS TO GET IN INTO ATENEO? DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE?
My mother and my friends don’t know how humiliating this is to me. I’m on the honour roll, I’m on the fucking dean’s list for fuck’s sake, and I can’t even pass Ateneo’s test that was meant for high school students? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE ME THEN? HUH?! All the hard work I put through into getting high grades, and for what? To get rejected by a high schooler’s test for the third fucking time?!
Congratulations Ateneo, you’ve now rejected me more times than any other girl has.
Hard work does not pay off, especially if it’s for something that you really love. And I really do love Ateneo. I would give all the things I accomplished in La Salle up, just to get into Ateneo. And I do mean all of it.
However, Ateneo is now the least of my concerns. A much more daunting problem has risen, and it may put my entire life as a student in jeopardy. I worked tirelessly to get excellent grades because I wanted to show people what I was capable of. I wanted to show them that I was worth something. Little by little, it seems I’m not worth anything.
Studying is the only useful thing that I’m good at. Please, don’t take that away. I need this education. I could care less how polluted Taft Ave. is now. My knowledge is the only tool that I have that can undo the damage that my father did. I need this.