My Once Attraction to You

There’s this girl at uni that I had the pterodactyls for. It’s like Watsky said, “She didn’t give me butterflies. She gave me pterodactyls.” She seemed so unrealistically beautiful. Each time I was near her, I was pushed down the rabbit hole and got lost in Wonderland. Curiouser and curiouser, I wanted to know about this creature. I call her Snow White. She thought she’s called that because she looks like White, but it’s the enigma that makes people flock around her. I stayed away since the dinosaurs flapped their wings harder and harder as I got closer and closer. I was afraid that I’d fly away, fly away to Wonderland and never come back.

Never in my lifetime did I think I would be good friends with White. I worked, ate, traveled, hiked, suffered, shared stories, slept (literally), smoked (just me though), partied, looked for jobs, and laughed with her. I was cloud nine.

As I got to know her better, her personality opened up or maybe she was changing. Either way, she wasn’t the White that I’ve known for years. White, as it turns out, is just like any ordinary girl–weird. She wasn’t an enigma but an introvert. Her ordinary side of her hooked me to her, and I couldn’t stay away. I imagined what it would be like dating her, holding her or at least making her happy like no one else could.

On my last two days of internship, White and I played an honesty game. I asked what makes her hate me. She hates that people care for her too much. She wants to be alone but she can’t reject people’s feelings. But she has. She’s been going through a lot and with this new knowledge of how much she hates being choked with caring, I tried to be less intrusive. Nothing really worked because she ignored my messages.

I’ve realised that I can’t like someone that pushes people away, would rather be alone, or has to understand that people care. She told me that she wants to be alone with her thoughts. That’s natural but to be left alone indefinitely is not healthy. I’ve been through the same type of loneliness and being open with friends and loved ones is the best way to get through life, not fending off life by yourself. Humans are social beings not hermits on a deserted island.

It hurt so much when White was pushing me away. I truly and genuinely did care for her. I wanted to help her in some way. And now, I have to detach my feelings for her before I get hurt even more. I’m not sure if White has trust issues, but she needs to let people into her life especially that ones that want to help her.

P.S. I’m not sure if you truly did care for me. The only thing you cared about was me getting a job or getting through a day of work and not the other personal troubles I told you about. Was this your way of showing that you didn’t care but thought it was rude to say? If it was, then you really are an asshole.

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