There was this girl who helped put me back in my tracks a few years ago. No, this isn’t my ex or the Japanese girl I used to talk about.
Anyway, this girl once told me that my anger towards my father is going to consume me one day. She said that revenge isn’t going to solve anything, and it isn’t going to bring me closer to what I want. She also told me that if I successfully delivered suffering, people would seek revenge on me. The cycle would only continue.
I ignored her advice for the longest. From 2009 to 2014, that anger towards my father was what kept me going. I wanted to go abroad, learn all the skills needed to deliver as much suffering as I possibly could, earn staggering amounts of money, change my name and appearance, garner influence, and come back as someone else.
I wanted to be the Count of Monte Cristo. He was my role model for executing the perfect revenge. I would imagine myself laughing at my father while he polished my shoes. It was the sense of power over someone that got me going. I loved the idea of being better than my father. I wanted to show him that he amounted to nothing.
But as I grew older and certainly wiser, my views on life changed. Probably because I wasn’t getting what I wanted (my job applications kept getting rejected) then the fire in me just died out. My friend’s advice rang in my head one day when I was writing about happiness here on my blog. I couldn’t believe it, but happiness was now my goal in life. I felt lighter, and I don’t mean that in an m = F/a sort of sense.
Compared to before, I can see further but at the same time, I can see things right in front of me much clearer. I feel like I can move about more if that makes any sense. I no longer care about bringing suffering. I now have the freedom of pursuit of happiness.
Achieving happiness is now my goal in life, and I’m happier that way. I don’t feel a strong fire like before. What I feel now is a light pouring into me. I like it. Now all I have to do is find the source of this light river, and I know there are several rivers of this.
This river I’m on is headed towards Japan, and I know I’ll be closer to the source once I get there.