Denial

Please read Found then Lost before reading this entry. The entry below is a realisation of my current relationship with the people I once thought of as my family.

Have you ever felt so misplaced? Have you ever questioned your reality and wondered why you were birthed unto this spinning mudball? For so long, I felt I never belonged to someone or something. The first time I thought I belonged somewhere was my love for musical theatre. Being on stage gave me solidarity and sureness. I felt strong and confident.

As time went on, people moved forward from the theatre, and I lagged. I could never understand how they could move forward and how they could be so happy. Looking back at it now, I realise that having a strong foundation and support system propels people forward. I never had parents who supported me like that. What I had were two separate parents supporting me like I was their child. I think I was raised as two people by two parents and not by a loving couple.

After years of being alone, I found a new family from that cafe I mentioned in Found then Lost. I was trying to deny the fact that I was losing them as a family by staying at the cafe, ordering drinks, and listening to their conversations like nothing ever happened. The thing is though that something did happen, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

I thought that staying with them would bring myself back to them. The more I visited, the more hurt I felt because I saw how disconnected I was from them. I was once so close with them and seeing them be so friendly and family-like without me hurt. Being with them hurt me more than knowing I lost them.

Imagine a tiny larva wanting to be with a magnificent eagle, so the larva attaches itself to it. The eagle does not care for the larva, for the eagle is magnificent, and the larva is an insect. The wind from the eagle is too strong and too fast for the larva, but the larva sees the beauty of the eagle, so it hangs on more. However, the longer the larva is with the eagle, the more tired it gets. The larva realises that an insect cannot survive by being with a bird, so the larva leaves for good.

It’s been a while since I’ve last seen them. I assume that they’re doing well without me because why wouldn’t they be? Ever since I decided to detach myself from them, I felt so much lighter. I sometimes hear the raucous excitement from the cafe in my room (I live that close), and I feel sad that I’m left out. I tell myself, “It’s okay. I would feel worse if I was there with them.” Then, I’d go back to work. I’d move forward. I will continue to look for another place I could call home because I’m sure it’s no longer with them.

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5 thoughts on “Denial

  1. After reading this one and the earlier post you linked, I can’t help but relate. I’m an introvert myself and I’ve had problems trying to form bonds with groups of people. Permit me to share my story, if I may.

    I never had a solid circle of friends growing up – severing all ties with my high school batch mates (save for a few.) College came and, despite graduating, I also cut off most batch mates of mine after getting our diplomas. Work came and I realized that I had the same problem three jobs in: I initially get to relate with colleagues, but the relationship then devolves into non-speaking terms outside of work. Then, resignation due to “burnout” follows – a twist to the classic “familiarity breeds contempt” scenario.

    Eventually, it dawned unto me: the problem was I try to adjust who I am to fit the expectations of other people. I’m an introvert, confident with who I am and at ease with being left to my own devices. I accepted the fact that I’m better alone but not lonely. It does feel sad at first when you’re up in the ivory tower, but it does have its perks.

    For one, you don’t need to lower your standards for other people; you will then attract the ones who value quality. Another advantage would be the gift of incognito; you can move freely without being subject to the whims of others, without being judged.

    Truly, the lone wolves don’t fit in the pack – but they can stand without depending on other people. Sure, no man is an island – but in this world of superficiality, filter out the ones worth reaching out to.

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      1. I run a blog — this one where I write about food reviews and the occasional reflection. :) I have a threefold purpose of my maintaining a blog: (1) to provide me an avenue to practice writing outside of my work; (2) to have a ready writing portfolio where I can showcase my capabilities; and (3) to create a repository of works that I can return to when I take on writing full-time.

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