Don’t Make Me Go Back In There

Three days ago, my girlfriend told me we needed a break. I believe it’s my fault for not being there for her. At the beginning of 2019, I was very hesitant to apply for jobs in China only because I was not sure where she and I were headed. I couldn’t go with her if she went to China because of reasons that are way too long to type out. As the year was coming to a close, that’s when I started applying since we were both sure that she was going. I was successfully hired, but I was never able to leave because my government couldn’t let me leave my own country to pursue my own dreams of living and working abroad. Fantastic.

After a month, I was able to find another job in China, but due to COVID-19, I wasn’t able to go through with it. Fast forward to three days ago, my… girlfriend? told me that we needed a break. I don’t think can even call her that anymore because that’s exactly what she needed a break from. TL:DR her feelings for me have numbed, and she doesn’t want to be called a girlfriend or be in a relationship because this kind of pressure is not good for her emotionally or mentally.

I’m not writing this entry because I want to rant about how shitty I am for not being there for her. No. I just did that in the first paragraph. I’m writing this because I feel like a part of me that came out when she and I were still literally hand-in-hand is either about to die or is about to disappear.

She brought out this inner me who I thought died when I was child. I forgot that I was starry-eyed child who saw nothing but good and hope. Goals have never been clearer and the air has never been cleaner. The more I fell in love with her, the more outward this inner me was becoming. At one one point, I woke up smiling everyday, ready to tackle come what may. But, if I told myself a year ago that this relationship was going to go south, that positive me would have laughed at the me now. No one is laughing now. Everyone’s just bawling.

I don’t know how long this positive me will ever survive. I like this part of myself. I don’t want it to die. I don’t want to be alone again. Ha. Ha. Ha.

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