Unconscious Sign of Weakness

Two days ago, I had a sweet dream. This was also my second dream where I realised it was a dream and decided to let it play on. I wasn’t in control of my actions, like what some people claim to do. I was just aware that it wasn’t real.

In my dream, I bought a lottery scratch ticket. For some reason, I knew I was going to win. I didn’t know how much. I just knew it. So I scratched off the coating and matched my numbers with the winning numbers (I know lottery scratch tickets don’t work this way, but it’s a dream). Lo and behold, I won $80 million. I felt extremely happy as one normally would. My problems instantly disappeared.

Then I woke up.

I felt excruciatingly annoyed not because it was a dream but because I felt happy. Now you must be thinking, “You’re annoyed because you’re happy? You must be insane.” Yeah, you might be right.

I didn’t like the dream because my mind unconsciously wanted an easy way out. It wanted something to stop the pain with minimal effort. How can I grow as a person if I do not face trials?

My mind failed me. I felt disgusted at myself. I always thought that I knew myself. I was wrong. Apparently, I want an easy way out.


I will erase this weakness from inside me and beat it out with hard work and effort.

I cannot believe such weakness festers within me.

Failure and Persistence

Just like what the title says, I failed to get the interview and demo stage for the JET Programme.

What happens next? Well, I’m never going to give up on living and working in Japan. The JET Programme is the most prestigious English teaching positions in Japan, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the only avenue for English.

I’ve been creating a bank of other Japanese institutions. Eikaiwa or ALT, I’ll take it (of course, the salary has to be reasonable). Continue reading “Failure and Persistence”

Random realisations

Number 1

I was looking at my old entries especially those that were written before my undergrad thesis days. I noticed how much more beautifully I wrote back then. Each sentence was meticulously written where each word meant something, and when you tied them all together it would create a colourful painting.

Ever since I took poetry class, I integrated my lessons into how I would translate imagery into text. I wanted to paint a picture through senses and emotions. It felt close and personal, and almost voyeuristic.

I think that was my main focus on writing–to provide a direct connection from senses, emotions, and experiences to text. But as I got more and more into research, my writing style started to change.

I was more focused at building a narrative, a coherent story, a journey that would take the reader from point A to point B. Think of it this way: my poetry writing style focused on illustrating a snapshot in time while my narrative writing has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Finally knowing the difference between the two, I have to find a way to join the best of both worlds while making the least compromise. Continue reading “Random realisations”

One step back, two forward

Courage is grace under pressure.

– Ernest Hemingway

For the past three days, I felt like I reverted back to my old depressed self (Don’t take “depressed” too lightly. I mean it with every gravitas of my being). The culprit, me. External stressors instigated it, but I allowed it to flow through. It wasn’t a good sight. So what happened? In my previous post, I talked about the JET Programme and how this would make or break me. I didn’t mean this in the career make or break but more of my mental faculties.

I did some searching online about previous JET experiences from other people then I stumbled upon a Reddit page called /r/JETProgramme. I was happy that I happen to chance upon this since I’ve been looking for a community of JET participants. That happiness was immediately extinguished when I saw the thread “2018 APPLICATION RESULTS / INTERVIEW ADVICE MEGATHREAD.”

I thought to myself, “This can’t be happening. People are starting to talk about the interviews, yet I haven’t heard a word from them. Does that mean I failed?” Continue reading “One step back, two forward”

The Job

Last January 2, I applied for a teaching job at Japan. This isn’t any old teaching job. This is The Japan Exchange and Teaching Programme, a highly prestigious and sought out career. Teachers here are not only responsible for teaching English but also serve as a catalyst for cultural exchange between Japan and their home country.

This job hits all my dreams and goals I set since highschool: live and work in Japan, teach English, and collect data at grassroots level for publication. Hearing this job application from my former nihongo professor was literally a miracle. I could’ve missed it!

But why write about the fact that I applied to a job? Well for all you regular readers out there, you know I love talking about conflict.

The problem I have here is that I feel the same kind of hope that I had when I just finished my second internship. For three months after that, I applied to numerous companies, agencies, and organisations that I thought would be beneficial for my future career as a diplomat. Everyday I would send applications. Every week I would go to interviews. Every month I would get a boatload of rejections.

It wasn’t because I didn’t meet the minimum requirements. It was because there were other people who were better than me. For three months, I felt so incompetent that I slid into depression.

That’s what I fear from this Programme. I have two other backup plans if I fail to get into this Programme. Yet, what if I fail those? Will I feel so incompetent like back then? Will I slide down the rabbit hole again? This job, I feel, will make me or break me. Plus, the anxiety of waiting for the results isn’t really helping.