Spending Christmas with a Single Mom

Before my father decided to leave mom and I, we would fly to the province every Christmas vacation and have a little family reunion. Aside from us, two other siblings of my father’s and their family live outside the province. One lives at Australia and the other lives at Hong Kong. I found this yearly reunion fun and exciting. There would always be a huge feast on Christmas Eve coupled with games designed to make all the adults look like complete fools. On Christmas day, the feast would continue with another rousing round of games and the seasonal Secret Santa. Tradition.

My mother always hated this tradition. She was never welcomed openly by my father’s family, and my father felt obliged to bring her along. She always felt like an outsider. I was too young and naïve to notice it. Fortunately, the separation meant that we needed not meet the Clan (yes, my father’s family is a legitimate clan formally registered in the government) every festive season.

The past Christmas Eves with my mother always involved trips to different restaurants or hours in the kitchen. I never once missed the Clan’s celebratory mood and the money in envelopes that came with it. This Christmas Eve was different. Continue reading “Spending Christmas with a Single Mom”

Ending Something

I’ve been thinking of ending a friendship that I’ve had for the past three years. I’ve never really been a good friend to her for the past months. As rocky relationships go, we will never have that brother-sister-thing that we had going before; it would be too awkward now since I did confess to her. Yeah, thinking of ending a friendship with a girl that I love. How’s that for New Year?

PS. I hate Christmas; I am the Grinch.

 

Fasting Instead of Feeding (aka dieting instead of feeding)

I’ve noticed something common amongst the people I follow on twitter. Some people have been talking about dieting, because they think their body needs it; some people have been talking about fasting because they want to offer some sort of sacrifice for their god.

I get agitated every time I hear about this; not because I’m over-weight, but because these people think so much of themselves that they forget what they’re actually talking about. When a certain something plays a major role in a your life is belittled, that’s when you should know that there is something wrong with you.

People complain and whine about the traffic, yet they take for granted the fact that they can actually afford to buy a car that has air-conditioning, a radio and a comfortable seat. They forget that a car is a machine that’s designed to propel you from one place to another in a short amount of time with the maximum amount of security and comfort (depending on the car’s feature, of course).

Let’s bring down the situation to something that most people could relate to, since not all people who read this have a car/cars. Continue reading “Fasting Instead of Feeding (aka dieting instead of feeding)”

Wish list!

So since it’s the “-ber” month already, I guess I’ll fling out my wish list for this holiday season, Xmas! Since no celebrates Thanksgiving.. it would kinda suck. Anyway

The Zumi Digital: I saw the videos that this took and it is FANTASTIC! It’s like having your own little Super 8mm, without the film

Diana F+ lens with Nikon lens mount: The reason why I won’t get the Diana itself is because I don’t wanna buy the analog itself before trying it out, so it’s kinda like a free taste, except it isn’t free

Tokyo Dreamer Strap: Just look at that cool thing! When I get my Holga, I’ll use that for it’s strap :>

The Fisheye Lens Adapter: this costs 1/10th of the price of Nikon’s lenses, so why not?

Keep Calm Print: Everyone Photographer needs this

The Game of Photo-opoly: Kinda obvious

Photojojo! The Book: Great ideas for home-made gifts

White Balance Lens Cap: A must need

iPod touch: Kinda obvious why I want it

Nokia C6: Best consumer Nokia has made so far

Malakai 40: I love longboarding and this is perfect for beginners and cruising

Eye-fi pro x2: A must need, I mean how cool is this thing!

AF-S NIKKOR 50mm f/1.4G: I love the bokeh on this one @-) I think it’s best one aside from the Zeiss series (duh, how can beat Zeiss)

LC-A+ Instant Back+ Deluxe Kit: The mother of all lomo cams and analogs (bows)

Fisheye No 2 Rip Curl Special Edition: I know I know, why get this if there’s a cheaper-lens-alternative? I just love the look  of film photography, that’s why

SuperSampler – Rubber Blue: It’s a fun camera to have

Holga CFN 120 Green: Well why shouldn’t I?

As you can see, more than half of this is photography stuff. I will however be getting the Nokia C6 for sure (since my phone got stolen.. bleh

Shall update when I remember more stuff

One thing I need, is the one thing no one can get, but me.

Photo 108pic by me

For so long I’ve yearned for inner peace. My mind/thoughts is always fucking messed up… it’s like a train colliding with another. My emotions always gets the best of me… I’m just like an 8 year old :| I REALLY can not control it well… I’m doing better now, but it’s just enough for me not to kill myself.

Why does everything have to move forward so fast??? Why can’t it wait until I fix myself??? Why doens’t anyone fucking notice??? Is it because I’m NOBODY??? Is it because I’m not IMPORTANT enough??? Is it because I’m not deserving enough??? My fucked up life is rolling down hill, and I’m the ONLY one who’s trying to save it. People ask me for help, and I help. I help until their happy. I help until they can stand on their own. But when I need help, guess who comes running to me, here’s a hint… NO ONE.

Just because I answered “I’m fine” with a smile to your “how are you?” does not fucking mean I am fucking fine :| Only one person told me “no really, tell me the truth” others just smile………… the reason why I say that is because I don’t want people to start feeling sad and depressed because of me. THAT’S WHY. So no, I AM NOT FUCKING FINE! I NEVER WAS AND I DON’T THINK I EVER FUCKING WILL! Why? Because I chose not to, that’s why.

I hate the fact that I’m laughing, smiling and having a blast when I’m with my friends. Cause once I leave… I turn up the music on my iPod and you’ll see “depression” all over my face. You should see me when I’m alone, the bad aura around me is thick you could cut it with a knife :| The only person who’s able to stand it for such a long time is my mom (duh)

Seeing other people who are happy, kinda pisses me off. It’s a punch to the face for me. It’s like their saying “YOUR PATHETIC!! LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE AND WE DON’T EVEN NEED YOU!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!”. Lemme ask you, can you live with that EVRY TIME you see someone happy?

Anyway… peace of mind…..

The only way I see how is to fix my life that I ruined. And it’s not easy given my past relationships with certain people (people who you never want to meet, EVER) it may take months, years or even….. never……… but there’s one thing I hate about doing this. Once I start, everyone will move forward, will move father away than before, they will leave me behind… because I have to stay where I am now and go back, although I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to make it back… But I have to, even if there is no one waiting for me to return (no one waits for me anyway, I always do the waiting) But I do have to come back… out of all those unfinished things I left behind, this one is the most important. But I won’t do that first. It’s stupid I know. But you don’t know, so don’t say it’s stupid.

If someone can give me what I need for Christmas, I’ll do anything for you :|

I’ll update this whenever I get new ideas :|

FOREVER FORNEVER