Waking up to See Reality

Through the Looking Glass

Do you know the feeling of getting intoxicated to the point where it’s like you’re not in your own body? I can’t fully explain how it is, but I find myself controlling a body through some sort of video-game. All right, let’s move over there and not hit anything along the way. Take your foot off the chair, someone’s sitting on it. Let’s get another drink, it’ll be fun. Don’t talk too loud, people are looking. That’s what I tell myself when I’m not myself. I figure it’s like being on auto-pilot. I kind of felt that way a couple of days ago when I woke up and looked at the mirror. Although, the only difference is that I wasn’t pissed-drunk. I stared at the mirror as the sun struck my eyes, and I didn’t see the person that I thought was peering back. I felt different, terrible, detached even. I didn’t feel like I was living in my body or rather I was living in a body that I didn’t want to have. I felt disgusted when I looked at the mirror; I took a long shower to “wash away” what was left of me. I don’t know what I’ve become.

I Was Doing Well Until You Came Along

Remember the girl I had a dream about, the one with the cherry blossoms and stuff? I kinda have this problem with her. Ever since that dream, my mind has been filling up with her likeness, and I honestly can’t stop thinking about her. For a while it seemed that I finally found THE person. I was a bit happy whenever I thought about it. Then, it just got out of hand.

It (not she, because she didn’t directly cause this) was beginning to negatively affect my performance at uni. I had a long ass time to think on how I was going to deal with this. It was difficult since she doesn’t know how I think about her, nor does she know that she’s causing all these internal aggravations. One night, I texted this to her (parentheses notes are not included in the text):

I need you to stay away from me for a while. I’ve started doing this (the staying away part) all ready. You’re literally on my mind 24/7, and I seriously cannot handle it. It’s all ready beginning to negatively affect me in my academics and my workload in the BSG (batch student government) doesn’t help either. It obviously isn’t your fault since you did nothing, ‘though that is the pleasant irony of it all. I’m not sure if I do want to tell you the specific reason as to why I’m doing this. If you really wanna know, I can give you two options: a) buy load (since she never has any credits in her phone) and ask me, “Why?” In which I would gladly reply, or b) ask (insert name here), he probably still remembers what I told him. Continue reading “I Was Doing Well Until You Came Along”

There is no Gold at the end of the Rainbow


I’ve been at breaking point for the past two weeks. Around eight days ago, I called Ateneo de Manila University to see if my application for transferee was granted. I woke up as early as I could, because I knew that there would be a long line of people trying to get in touch with their admissions office. I redialed and redialed. They picked up the phone.

“May I please know the status of transferee for [insert name here], please?”
“Please hold, sir.”
“Okay.”
A few seconds pass
“Hello, sir?”
“Yes.” I answered.
“I’m sorry, you were not accepted.”
“Ah. I see.”
“Thank you for calling, sir.”
“Thank you.” I put the phone down.

I sat quietly for a couple of minutes, staring at the phone. I couldn’t believe what I heard. The only thing that was going through my head was, how could this happen? I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t accepted. It caught me so much in disbelief that I actually sat in silence. Continue reading “There is no Gold at the end of the Rainbow”

Envy on Father’s Day

If you’ve read my previous entry about my father, you should. It sets the situation for what you’re about to read. But if you don’t want to, it’s fine.

As all of you well know, today is Father’s Day, a great day to be a dad. I haven’t celebrated Father’s Day since 2009, basically because I hate my father. He wasn’t much of a dad when I realised that my mom truly really loved me. Whether or not that love is more than my father’s, I will never know.

I have a friend, who I think I wrote about a while back, and my mother and I are friends with his entire family. His father is a real father figure, strong-willed, caring, funny, all that jazz. I sometimes think “why couldn’t my father be more like him?”.

But what really got me was when his father showed his fatherly affection towards his kids. It’s the type of love that you see only in dads. Continue reading “Envy on Father’s Day”

A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)

I had some trouble deciding which event I wanted to share, and it came down to two. It was either the time my father left or the time when we were thrown out of our house. But I figured that it would be better to talk about my father and his departure from this family.

So please bear with me because I haven’t talked about this to an open crowd, in fact I think only three of my friends know the full details, at any rate…

The year was 2009 on the month of April. I was home alone watching TV when I heard the door open downstairs. I thought to myself “Is that mom or dad? They’re rather early”. I went back to watching TV, not minding what was going on downstairs. After a few minutes I heard heavy footsteps rise from the stairwell, “oh, it’s dad” I thought. I kept watching TV.

He went up to me and gave me a kiss on the head; I wiped my forehead and ignored him. “I’m gonna take a shower first and I need to talk to you, okay?” he said. At that point I knew something was up, “okay”. Continue reading “A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)”