Living in a Limbo

For the past two weeks, my emotional and mental state have been driven into the dirt. Everyday for the past two weeks, I’ve been battling my depression and anxiety, and I’ve been telling myself that I still have a chance.

For the past two weeks, I’ve had possible signs of cancer. I thought I had bacterial infection. I took antibiotics for a week, but I didn’t improve. In fact, these lumps have spread even more. I took another kind of medicine, but it still didn’t work.

I listened in to a conversation between my friends, and they said that one of their friends had a similar condition to me. I didn’t want to chime in, so I just acted disinterested. They talked about how he might also have cancer and how much the chemotherapy would cost (it’s around Php1.6M).

Hearing how much it cost instantly shattered me. I was breaking on the inside. I couldn’t tell my friends what was happening to me. I don’t know why. I just shut down.

With that amount of money, it would put my family in poverty. I have no health insurance or a health care plan. Even if my family would be able to pay, my future would be ruined by it. The worst case scenario would be that I would die because I couldn’t fully pay for the treatment, and my family will be more broken and live in poverty.

I could die before I reached my 28th birthday.

I left my friends and immediately went home. I was having an anxiety attack. I felt Death coming to take me, and I was mortified. I have so many things to do in life, and I began to regret not doing them anytime sooner. I began to regret teaching because it didn’t earn me much, nor did it give me a solid health care plan.

Then I talked to the person who has kept me grounded for the past two weeks. She brings me happiness. She gives me clarity. Without her, my anxiety and depression would have taken me. She doesn’t know, but she’s my lighthouse in this hurricane. Just like a boat anchored to the seafloor, I can’t ever let her go.

Also, I had a fine needle biopsy, so I’ll know between 3-5 days what my fate will be.

The Job

Last January 2, I applied for a teaching job at Japan. This isn’t any old teaching job. This is The Japan Exchange and Teaching Programme, a highly prestigious and sought out career. Teachers here are not only responsible for teaching English but also serve as a catalyst for cultural exchange between Japan and their home country.

This job hits all my dreams and goals I set since highschool: live and work in Japan, teach English, and collect data at grassroots level for publication. Hearing this job application from my former nihongo professor was literally a miracle. I could’ve missed it!

But why write about the fact that I applied to a job? Well for all you regular readers out there, you know I love talking about conflict.

The problem I have here is that I feel the same kind of hope that I had when I just finished my second internship. For three months after that, I applied to numerous companies, agencies, and organisations that I thought would be beneficial for my future career as a diplomat. Everyday I would send applications. Every week I would go to interviews. Every month I would get a boatload of rejections.

It wasn’t because I didn’t meet the minimum requirements. It was because there were other people who were better than me. For three months, I felt so incompetent that I slid into depression.

That’s what I fear from this Programme. I have two other backup plans if I fail to get into this Programme. Yet, what if I fail those? Will I feel so incompetent like back then? Will I slide down the rabbit hole again? This job, I feel, will make me or break me. Plus, the anxiety of waiting for the results isn’t really helping.

One thing I need, is the one thing no one can get, but me.

Photo 108pic by me

For so long I’ve yearned for inner peace. My mind/thoughts is always fucking messed up… it’s like a train colliding with another. My emotions always gets the best of me… I’m just like an 8 year old :| I REALLY can not control it well… I’m doing better now, but it’s just enough for me not to kill myself.

Why does everything have to move forward so fast??? Why can’t it wait until I fix myself??? Why doens’t anyone fucking notice??? Is it because I’m NOBODY??? Is it because I’m not IMPORTANT enough??? Is it because I’m not deserving enough??? My fucked up life is rolling down hill, and I’m the ONLY one who’s trying to save it. People ask me for help, and I help. I help until their happy. I help until they can stand on their own. But when I need help, guess who comes running to me, here’s a hint… NO ONE.

Just because I answered “I’m fine” with a smile to your “how are you?” does not fucking mean I am fucking fine :| Only one person told me “no really, tell me the truth” others just smile………… the reason why I say that is because I don’t want people to start feeling sad and depressed because of me. THAT’S WHY. So no, I AM NOT FUCKING FINE! I NEVER WAS AND I DON’T THINK I EVER FUCKING WILL! Why? Because I chose not to, that’s why.

I hate the fact that I’m laughing, smiling and having a blast when I’m with my friends. Cause once I leave… I turn up the music on my iPod and you’ll see “depression” all over my face. You should see me when I’m alone, the bad aura around me is thick you could cut it with a knife :| The only person who’s able to stand it for such a long time is my mom (duh)

Seeing other people who are happy, kinda pisses me off. It’s a punch to the face for me. It’s like their saying “YOUR PATHETIC!! LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE AND WE DON’T EVEN NEED YOU!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!”. Lemme ask you, can you live with that EVRY TIME you see someone happy?

Anyway… peace of mind…..

The only way I see how is to fix my life that I ruined. And it’s not easy given my past relationships with certain people (people who you never want to meet, EVER) it may take months, years or even….. never……… but there’s one thing I hate about doing this. Once I start, everyone will move forward, will move father away than before, they will leave me behind… because I have to stay where I am now and go back, although I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to make it back… But I have to, even if there is no one waiting for me to return (no one waits for me anyway, I always do the waiting) But I do have to come back… out of all those unfinished things I left behind, this one is the most important. But I won’t do that first. It’s stupid I know. But you don’t know, so don’t say it’s stupid.

If someone can give me what I need for Christmas, I’ll do anything for you :|

I’ll update this whenever I get new ideas :|