Do I Ever Smile?

 

My mother asks this a lot, “How come you don’t smile anymore?” Now, don’t get me wrong. I do smile, though very rarely. If you see me at uni (this is how I’m calling my university, De La Salle University, from now on. I refer to it as campus to my friends, as in, “Are you on campus?) with my friends, I’m probably laughing and having a good time. It’s just normal human behaviour to enjoy the company of those you are close to. But, I’m rarely with my friends at uni nor do we have the time to just sit around and do whatever. Anyway, point is, my friends see me as this cheery and chummy guy, but they’ve never seen me when I’m not with them.

I am so emotionless, I make Mona Lisa look bipolar; I make myself look like Bella Swan’s twin (I know right?) Damn, even Curiosity had more emotions when it landed on Mars than when I try to have a conversation with my mother. I’m just a huge pile of dead. Continue reading “Do I Ever Smile?”

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There is no Gold at the end of the Rainbow


I’ve been at breaking point for the past two weeks. Around eight days ago, I called Ateneo de Manila University to see if my application for transferee was granted. I woke up as early as I could, because I knew that there would be a long line of people trying to get in touch with their admissions office. I redialed and redialed. They picked up the phone.

“May I please know the status of transferee for [insert name here], please?”
“Please hold, sir.”
“Okay.”
A few seconds pass
“Hello, sir?”
“Yes.” I answered.
“I’m sorry, you were not accepted.”
“Ah. I see.”
“Thank you for calling, sir.”
“Thank you.” I put the phone down.

I sat quietly for a couple of minutes, staring at the phone. I couldn’t believe what I heard. The only thing that was going through my head was, how could this happen? I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t accepted. It caught me so much in disbelief that I actually sat in silence. Continue reading “There is no Gold at the end of the Rainbow”

Being Father Dependent

It’s been over two years since my father left this family. Yet he’s still playing a big role in decision-making, mainly because he’s the man with the money. Yes, he’s the one that keeps me and my mom alive. Not in a religious-I-love-you kind of sense, more like I-own-your-ass kind of sense.

To be controlled by a person, who I wish were dead, is just a fantastic feeling. I can’t even make decisions for myself. I ALWAYS have to ask permission from him when I need to spend on something (something that I NEED of course).

Here’s an example.

I just got off the phone with my father. I complained to him that I needed the Kindle because I needed it for school (which is true, I’m not lying. A Kindle is a student’s greatest technological portable asset, next to the laptop and cellphone). Then he tells me to be patient. The problem is, he promised me I’d get it on the first week of October… guess what day it is now.

He tells me to be patient. This pissed me off, but if I told him off, he would’ve won. So I kept silent. I told him that I would need an account for the Kindle so I could buy the books that I needed. He tells me to use my mom’s credit card instead of his. Remember, this is the man who took off with all the money, leaving us barely with any, then he tells me that I should let my mom pay for my books. Great logic, “father”.

Most of you have no idea what it feels like to be constrained by a parent who ALREADY left. I thought I would feel a bit liberated, but no. My father has still got me by the balls; he could cut off my education if he felt like it (I guess that’s one of the reasons why I’m such a workaholic ie. showing that $1,000++ per trimester isn’t wasted because I’m on the honour roll).

Another example.

Each time I’m on the honour roll, he tells my mother “Does he get a discount [on tuition]?”. My mother congratulates me, hugs me, kisses me and so on. My father thinks of the stupidest thing, money. Yeah, “dad”, I fucking feel your love all right.

I wish I wasn’t so powerless. A pathetic piece of crap that can’t stand up to his father that controls his family through money.

PS. I know, some people would consider me lucky because most fathers wouldn’t even support their family after they left. But, I believe he’s only doing this to avoid jail time, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

Envy on Father’s Day

If you’ve read my previous entry about my father, you should. It sets the situation for what you’re about to read. But if you don’t want to, it’s fine.

As all of you well know, today is Father’s Day, a great day to be a dad. I haven’t celebrated Father’s Day since 2009, basically because I hate my father. He wasn’t much of a dad when I realised that my mom truly really loved me. Whether or not that love is more than my father’s, I will never know.

I have a friend, who I think I wrote about a while back, and my mother and I are friends with his entire family. His father is a real father figure, strong-willed, caring, funny, all that jazz. I sometimes think “why couldn’t my father be more like him?”.

But what really got me was when his father showed his fatherly affection towards his kids. It’s the type of love that you see only in dads. Continue reading “Envy on Father’s Day”

A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)

I had some trouble deciding which event I wanted to share, and it came down to two. It was either the time my father left or the time when we were thrown out of our house. But I figured that it would be better to talk about my father and his departure from this family.

So please bear with me because I haven’t talked about this to an open crowd, in fact I think only three of my friends know the full details, at any rate…

The year was 2009 on the month of April. I was home alone watching TV when I heard the door open downstairs. I thought to myself “Is that mom or dad? They’re rather early”. I went back to watching TV, not minding what was going on downstairs. After a few minutes I heard heavy footsteps rise from the stairwell, “oh, it’s dad” I thought. I kept watching TV.

He went up to me and gave me a kiss on the head; I wiped my forehead and ignored him. “I’m gonna take a shower first and I need to talk to you, okay?” he said. At that point I knew something was up, “okay”. Continue reading “A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)”