Denial

Please read Found then Lost before reading this entry. The entry below is a realisation of my current relationship with the people I once thought of as my family.

Have you ever felt so misplaced? Have you ever questioned your reality and wondered why you were birthed unto this spinning mudball? For so long, I felt I never belonged to someone or something. The first time I thought I belonged somewhere was my love for musical theatre. Being on stage gave me solidarity and sureness. I felt strong and confident.

As time went on, people moved forward from the theatre, and I lagged. I could never understand how they could move forward and how they could be so happy. Looking back at it now, I realise that having a strong foundation and support system propels people forward. I never had parents who supported me like that. What I had were two separate parents supporting me like I was their child. I think I was raised as two people by two parents and not by a loving couple.

After years of being alone, I found a new family from that cafe I mentioned in Found then Lost. I was trying to deny the fact that I was losing them as a family by staying at the cafe, ordering drinks, and listening to their conversations like nothing ever happened. The thing is though that something did happen, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

I thought that staying with them would bring myself back to them. The more I visited, the more hurt I felt because I saw how disconnected I was from them. I was once so close with them and seeing them be so friendly and family-like without me hurt. Being with them hurt me more than knowing I lost them.

Imagine a tiny larva wanting to be with a magnificent eagle, so the larva attaches itself to it. The eagle does not care for the larva, for the eagle is magnificent, and the larva is an insect. The wind from the eagle is too strong and too fast for the larva, but the larva sees the beauty of the eagle, so it hangs on more. However, the longer the larva is with the eagle, the more tired it gets. The larva realises that an insect cannot survive by being with a bird, so the larva leaves for good.

It’s been a while since I’ve last seen them. I assume that they’re doing well without me because why wouldn’t they be? Ever since I decided to detach myself from them, I felt so much lighter. I sometimes hear the raucous excitement from the cafe in my room (I live that close), and I feel sad that I’m left out. I tell myself, “It’s okay. I would feel worse if I was there with them.” Then, I’d go back to work. I’d move forward. I will continue to look for another place I could call home because I’m sure it’s no longer with them.

It’s Samme!

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Let's go fam!

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Around a year ago in a cafe near where I lived, there came a group of girls whom I never saw before. This was new to me since I pretty much knew everyone at the cafe. They were a lot of them at first, but as graduation came and went, they trickled down to just three: Samme (the one in stripes above), Lans (the one not in stripes above), and Drei (the one that’s not in the picture above). We four plus two other guys, Renz and Jules, got close at the cafe. We’d often share stories and dreams about the future.

But ever since the cafe went on hiatus, I don’t get to see them that often. So when Samme told us to go watch her perform with I-SA at their concert, I couldn’t say no.

Lans and I agreed to meet at SM Megamall at 5PM on the day of the concert. I, being the always-early-never-late-I-hate-Filipino-time kind of person that I am, got there at 3:30PM. I immediately regretted it because I forgot how much I hated SM malls. These malls are always crowded, and I hate to say it, but I also hate the crowd. So I found myself a nice little spot at Chelsea Kitchen that was away from the people and worked on finishing Hokkaido Part 3 through the WordPress app on my phone.

Lans soon arrived, and we probably talked a good 20 minutes about Korean boys! After a while, we got Samme a red velvet cupcake from Cupcakes by Sonja as a gift for doing a good job on the concert (she loved the cupcake) and left for UA&P. Lans talked about how she was so hot as Romeo at her play, and schoolgirls were taking photos of her. Then we bumped into Samme’s sister and mother along the way and almost got run over by some cars (in my defence, there wasn’t any indication whatsoever that the lights were about to change). When we got to the main gate, the guards told us that the concert was at the back of the campus, so we had to walk another 10 minutes. Samme greeted us at the lobby, and Lans got to work on her makeup while I munched down on some Korean chips and yoghurt ice cream.

Samme’s sister and mother soon arrived and we all entered the theatre. We watched a good 20 minutes of advertisements till will decided to buy some food at the Korean grocery. We came back, and the show was already starting.

It’s been a while since I watched a performance on stage, and I was really glad that I did come to see it. The former president of I-SA was an amazing dancer, especially during her solo performances. The entire production was pretty good: good use of lights, of video, of music etc. What I didn’t expect was that there would be a story to their entire production. If I remember correctly, it was about chasing something/someone you want and to not be afraid of doing it. There were different storylines with different conflicts and resolutions.

But what really caught my eye was the happiness I could feel on that stage. They loved dancing on stage, and it made me miss my musical theatre days. It reminded me of the lights shining on my face, the floorboards on my feet, the characters we took in, and strangely the smell of the air. That was a nice life that I had, but loving the one I have now is better than reminiscing my glory days. It great to see young souls shine so bright. I love it!

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Ending Something

I’ve been thinking of ending a friendship that I’ve had for the past three years. I’ve never really been a good friend to her for the past months. As rocky relationships go, we will never have that brother-sister-thing that we had going before; it would be too awkward now since I did confess to her. Yeah, thinking of ending a friendship with a girl that I love. How’s that for New Year?

PS. I hate Christmas; I am the Grinch.

 

Something You Always think “What If…” About (30 day Challenge, day 16)

Lourdes School of Mandaluyong
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There is one thing that I always regret doing and I’ve been regretting it for about 6 years now I guess? I always thought “what if I never fucked up in High School? What if I actually took my academics seriously?” If you don’t know the history of my high school education… I graduated to high school in Lourdes School of Mandaluyong. I got held back a year there, then after 4 years I got expelled. I went to HSP (kinda like home school, kinda) and I spent two more years there, which shouldn’t have happened since I was only supposed to spend one year then I’d be off to college. But unexpected things happen Continue reading “Something You Always think “What If…” About (30 day Challenge, day 16)”

I’ll pray, just this once.

When we chatted earlier, I thought we were gonna have a good one. Apparently, I was wrong. When you talked to me how bad your situation was… I was really shocked. When you told me about you financial matters and how doing under-the-table jobs was the only way to fix it, I was fucking surprised. I was even more surprised when you told me who suggested it. I already told you to please don’t do it :| I told you about the stories I know and the people who were put in that situation. I just don’t want to see you end up like them. No matter how strong willed a person is, they will find a way to break that person and leave them spiraling into certain damnation. And yeah… I speak from experience… I’m no motivational speaker, but I hope my words conveyed.

You asked me if I could pray for you. I’ll make an exception ’cause you just mean to much to me and I love you too much to see you get hurt. And please come back, everyone fucking misses you.

Please grant her the safety to see the day through and I wish her all the happiness I can grant.

I’m not good at praying at all…

(draft saved on Dec. 1, 2010)