Denial

Please read Found then Lost before reading this entry. The entry below is a realisation of my current relationship with the people I once thought of as my family.

Have you ever felt so misplaced? Have you ever questioned your reality and wondered why you were birthed unto this spinning mudball? For so long, I felt I never belonged to someone or something. The first time I thought I belonged somewhere was my love for musical theatre. Being on stage gave me solidarity and sureness. I felt strong and confident.

As time went on, people moved forward from the theatre, and I lagged. I could never understand how they could move forward and how they could be so happy. Looking back at it now, I realise that having a strong foundation and support system propels people forward. I never had parents who supported me like that. What I had were two separate parents supporting me like I was their child. I think I was raised as two people by two parents and not by a loving couple.

After years of being alone, I found a new family from that cafe I mentioned in Found then Lost. I was trying to deny the fact that I was losing them as a family by staying at the cafe, ordering drinks, and listening to their conversations like nothing ever happened. The thing is though that something did happen, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

I thought that staying with them would bring myself back to them. The more I visited, the more hurt I felt because I saw how disconnected I was from them. I was once so close with them and seeing them be so friendly and family-like without me hurt. Being with them hurt me more than knowing I lost them.

Imagine a tiny larva wanting to be with a magnificent eagle, so the larva attaches itself to it. The eagle does not care for the larva, for the eagle is magnificent, and the larva is an insect. The wind from the eagle is too strong and too fast for the larva, but the larva sees the beauty of the eagle, so it hangs on more. However, the longer the larva is with the eagle, the more tired it gets. The larva realises that an insect cannot survive by being with a bird, so the larva leaves for good.

It’s been a while since I’ve last seen them. I assume that they’re doing well without me because why wouldn’t they be? Ever since I decided to detach myself from them, I felt so much lighter. I sometimes hear the raucous excitement from the cafe in my room (I live that close), and I feel sad that I’m left out. I tell myself, “It’s okay. I would feel worse if I was there with them.” Then, I’d go back to work. I’d move forward. I will continue to look for another place I could call home because I’m sure it’s no longer with them.

Getting My Mother to Read more Books

So, the Fully Booked Katipunan branch (Katipunan is where I live) has this 20% off sale because of its anniversary thing! The picture above is actually the Katipunan branch :D Anyway, I accompanied my mother to the bank, then she accompanied me to Fully Booked. I knew that there was going to be a 20% off sale, but little did I know that I would be buying something and that there would be a 40% off table full of old and unknown books! Not only are some books 40% off, some are even marked down to $1.21!

The first four books are my mom’s, and I am Number Four is mine. Amazingly enough, the first two books are $1.21 each and the next two are $2.42 each! Originally, these would sum up to be around $30! I mean $4.84 for four books is a long way from $30, so you could imagine how happy my mom was when she found these.

I am Number Four was originally $6.74, and I just had to pay $5.39. It isn’t much of a discount, but for a well-known, brand-new and straight out of the box book, it’s definitely a bargain! If you’re wondering why I didn’t buy the second and third one, don’t hahahaha! It’s a 10 day sale, so I’ll get them at the last day. So we paid around $10 for five books (Two weeks ago, I found a hardcover copy of A Thousand Splendid Suns for $2.89 at a pre-owned bookstore.) Continue reading “Getting My Mother to Read more Books”

Everyone Gets Older

First photo shot with my instax <3 I seriously thought my mom was 42-years-old >.> Happy Birthday!

When The Conditions Are Too Perfect

Written on March 24

Today was a rainy day. I love the rain. It makes everything nice and cool to the skin; it’s quite relaxing. The sound of the raindrops on the leaves are so therapeutic. So how did I respond to this? I popped the kettle on the stove and made myself a cuppa tea, and warmed up some sweet ensaymada that my mom brought with her from Cebu. I switched on my laptop, threw my headphones on and worked on my final papers for my classes.

Everything was going swimmingly until my iTunes chose to play ART-SCHOOL. For you to understand what I’m going to share to you, you have to listen to one of their songs. It’s a Japanese band by the way.

Continue reading “When The Conditions Are Too Perfect”

Being Father Dependent

It’s been over two years since my father left this family. Yet he’s still playing a big role in decision-making, mainly because he’s the man with the money. Yes, he’s the one that keeps me and my mom alive. Not in a religious-I-love-you kind of sense, more like I-own-your-ass kind of sense.

To be controlled by a person, who I wish were dead, is just a fantastic feeling. I can’t even make decisions for myself. I ALWAYS have to ask permission from him when I need to spend on something (something that I NEED of course).

Here’s an example.

I just got off the phone with my father. I complained to him that I needed the Kindle because I needed it for school (which is true, I’m not lying. A Kindle is a student’s greatest technological portable asset, next to the laptop and cellphone). Then he tells me to be patient. The problem is, he promised me I’d get it on the first week of October… guess what day it is now.

He tells me to be patient. This pissed me off, but if I told him off, he would’ve won. So I kept silent. I told him that I would need an account for the Kindle so I could buy the books that I needed. He tells me to use my mom’s credit card instead of his. Remember, this is the man who took off with all the money, leaving us barely with any, then he tells me that I should let my mom pay for my books. Great logic, “father”.

Most of you have no idea what it feels like to be constrained by a parent who ALREADY left. I thought I would feel a bit liberated, but no. My father has still got me by the balls; he could cut off my education if he felt like it (I guess that’s one of the reasons why I’m such a workaholic ie. showing that $1,000++ per trimester isn’t wasted because I’m on the honour roll).

Another example.

Each time I’m on the honour roll, he tells my mother “Does he get a discount [on tuition]?”. My mother congratulates me, hugs me, kisses me and so on. My father thinks of the stupidest thing, money. Yeah, “dad”, I fucking feel your love all right.

I wish I wasn’t so powerless. A pathetic piece of crap that can’t stand up to his father that controls his family through money.

PS. I know, some people would consider me lucky because most fathers wouldn’t even support their family after they left. But, I believe he’s only doing this to avoid jail time, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.