My chest was invaded by pieces ever-expanding shards of ice. What was happening to me? I considered that a long shower would calm me down.
My invader liquefied into a thick hot stream of satin which coursed my arteries till my heart realized it was drowning in adrenalin. I felt so hot, unstable, and dizzy that the wall that protected my naked body from the outside quickly became a mother’s embrace while my shower head continued to rain on me. I tried catching my breath; I say I tried because I only got worse.
I relinquished myself to my veiled invader, not knowing what it was that made me concede. I concluded that I was longing for someone. Why? I thought. I don’t know why, but I wanted it. Of all the people I’ve been with, fell in love with, kissed with, held hands with, gazed eyes with, caught scent with, touched skins with, and shared silence with, there was only one in my mind. I had an unnatural desire to have her.
I’ve been neglecting my blog for a long long time. The drafts I’ve written are so old, I don’t even remember how I wanted to end them. What kept me from coming here was uni. We’ve been reading around 80 pages a day, and even more for this week and the next, because our midterms is coming up. I’m supposed to focus myself on academics, but I always wonder off to wanting a relationship. How low of me, eh? That’s not the only thing, I’ve been getting really frustrated with how routined my daily life is. Everyday, I do the same thing, and there isn’t a way that I could change it up a bit. I spend most of my time in the library during breaks just to read what my professors gave us. I get home and do the same, I commute and I do the same. I’m slowly turning into this well-oiled machine that seems to enjoy masochism. I’m just really tired of all these personal problems that I can’t solve. Give me something, anything. I know true happiness is difficult to achieve, I just want to know that it’s still out there.
Do you know the feeling of getting intoxicated to the point where it’s like you’re not in your own body? I can’t fully explain how it is, but I find myself controlling a body through some sort of video-game. All right, let’s move over there and not hit anything along the way. Take your foot off the chair, someone’s sitting on it. Let’s get another drink, it’ll be fun. Don’t talk too loud, people are looking. That’s what I tell myself when I’m not myself. I figure it’s like being on auto-pilot. I kind of felt that way a couple of days ago when I woke up and looked at the mirror. Although, the only difference is that I wasn’t pissed-drunk. I stared at the mirror as the sun struck my eyes, and I didn’t see the person that I thought was peering back. I felt different, terrible, detached even. I didn’t feel like I was living in my body or rather I was living in a body that I didn’t want to have. I felt disgusted when I looked at the mirror; I took a long shower to “wash away” what was left of me. I don’t know what I’ve become.
Remember the girl I had a dream about, the one with the cherry blossoms and stuff? I kinda have this problem with her. Ever since that dream, my mind has been filling up with her likeness, and I honestly can’t stop thinking about her. For a while it seemed that I finally found THE person. I was a bit happy whenever I thought about it. Then, it just got out of hand.
It (not she, because she didn’t directly cause this) was beginning to negatively affect my performance at uni. I had a long ass time to think on how I was going to deal with this. It was difficult since she doesn’t know how I think about her, nor does she know that she’s causing all these internal aggravations. One night, I texted this to her (parentheses notes are not included in the text):
I need you to stay away from me for a while. I’ve started doing this (the staying away part) all ready. You’re literally on my mind 24/7, and I seriously cannot handle it. It’s all ready beginning to negatively affect me in my academics and my workload in the BSG (batch student government) doesn’t help either. It obviously isn’t your fault since you did nothing, ‘though that is the pleasant irony of it all. I’m not sure if I do want to tell you the specific reason as to why I’m doing this. If you really wanna know, I can give you two options: a) buy load (since she never has any credits in her phone) and ask me, “Why?” In which I would gladly reply, or b) ask (insert name here), he probably still remembers what I told him. Continue reading “I Was Doing Well Until You Came Along”→
My mother asks this a lot, “How come you don’t smile anymore?” Now, don’t get me wrong. I do smile, though very rarely. If you see me at uni (this is how I’m calling my university, De La Salle University, from now on. I refer to it as campus to my friends, as in, “Are you on campus?) with my friends, I’m probably laughing and having a good time. It’s just normal human behaviour to enjoy the company of those you are close to. But, I’m rarely with my friends at uni nor do we have the time to just sit around and do whatever. Anyway, point is, my friends see me as this cheery and chummy guy, but they’ve never seen me when I’m not with them.
I am so emotionless, I make Mona Lisa look bipolar; I make myself look like Bella Swan’s twin (I know right?) Damn, even Curiosity had more emotions when it landed on Mars than when I try to have a conversation with my mother. I’m just a huge pile of dead. Continue reading “Do I Ever Smile?”→