One step back, two forward

Courage is grace under pressure.

– Ernest Hemingway

For the past three days, I felt like I reverted back to my old depressed self (Don’t take “depressed” too lightly. I mean it with every gravitas of my being). The culprit, me. External stressors instigated it, but I allowed it to flow through. It wasn’t a good sight. So what happened? In my previous post, I talked about the JET Programme and how this would make or break me. I didn’t mean this in the career make or break but more of my mental faculties.

I did some searching online about previous JET experiences from other people then I stumbled upon a Reddit page called /r/JETProgramme. I was happy that I happen to chance upon this since I’ve been looking for a community of JET participants. That happiness was immediately extinguished when I saw the thread “2018 APPLICATION RESULTS / INTERVIEW ADVICE MEGATHREAD.”

I thought to myself, “This can’t be happening. People are starting to talk about the interviews, yet I haven’t heard a word from them. Does that mean I failed?” Continue reading “One step back, two forward”

Asperger’s syndrome

Please read this article on Asperger’s syndrome before continuing below. My blog entry will make a whole lot of sense after you read the article.

I’ve had similar experiences like the one in the article when I was a child. I still have some experiences till now. Do I have a little bit of Asperger’s syndrome?

I remember making a project at a class. The project was not meant for that class. The teacher got mad at me told shouted, “If you wanna do that, do it outside!”

I thought, “Wow! I get to work on this without any distractions!” So I picked up all my things and went out. I continued to do my project then around thirty seconds later a classmate of mine told me to go in. I don’t remember what happened next, but I do remember the principal asking me, “Why did you leave the classroom?”

To which I answered, “She told me I could.” Continue reading “Asperger’s syndrome”

Finding a Place

I have a mental illness. It eats me away and rots what I have left of my sanity. My parents are to blame. They raised me in a broken house, and as a child, I was powerless against their desire to destroy each other. This mental illness has brought me down time and time again.

It has gotten to many points in my life where I questioned what I was to the universe. The answer to this was nothing. I am nothing to the universe, to the celestial bodies that tower over me, or the world that I am born in.

Is this the mental illness talking, or has this mental illness given me only one perspective in life?

I have tried to go on this path of finding happiness. This is not an easy quest as nothing is handed over to mere specs in the vacuum of space-time. I believe that if you have found your happiness, you have found your place. Many have seen this place but have not yet reached it. Treading the thin ice to get there is a monumental task, and I envy their opportunity to do so. I don’t even think I have this place to travel to. All I know is that I don’t belong here.

I feel like I was born in the wrong dimension. I feel like I wasn’t made for this universe. I’m not saying that I’m above everything and all of it is wrong. I’m saying that I’m an error in the system, a lost bug.

I am so detached from everything.

Or maybe this is just my mental illness talking.

We Never Grow Up When it Comes to Attraction

Remember way back when you were a kid and you had a crush on someone you knew? Then somehow.. you find yourself throwing peas at the boy you like or you find yourself being mean to the girl you like. Aahh… good times, good times… BUT WAIT, there’s more!

I’ve noticed we actually never grow up when we like someone. No matter how old we are, how mature we are, we act like children when we see the person we like. This is a fact because this is what’s happening to me now. But whether I want to go out with her, that’s a whole new thing.

Love makes everyone young, that’s the truth