Living in a Limbo

For the past two weeks, my emotional and mental state have been driven into the dirt. Everyday for the past two weeks, I’ve been battling my depression and anxiety, and I’ve been telling myself that I still have a chance.

For the past two weeks, I’ve had possible signs of cancer. I thought I had bacterial infection. I took antibiotics for a week, but I didn’t improve. In fact, these lumps have spread even more. I took another kind of medicine, but it still didn’t work.

I listened in to a conversation between my friends, and they said that one of their friends had a similar condition to me. I didn’t want to chime in, so I just acted disinterested. They talked about how he might also have cancer and how much the chemotherapy would cost (it’s around Php1.6M).

Hearing how much it cost instantly shattered me. I was breaking on the inside. I couldn’t tell my friends what was happening to me. I don’t know why. I just shut down.

With that amount of money, it would put my family in poverty. I have no health insurance or a health care plan. Even if my family would be able to pay, my future would be ruined by it. The worst case scenario would be that I would die because I couldn’t fully pay for the treatment, and my family will be more broken and live in poverty.

I could die before I reached my 28th birthday.

I left my friends and immediately went home. I was having an anxiety attack. I felt Death coming to take me, and I was mortified. I have so many things to do in life, and I began to regret not doing them anytime sooner. I began to regret teaching because it didn’t earn me much, nor did it give me a solid health care plan.

Then I talked to the person who has kept me grounded for the past two weeks. She brings me happiness. She gives me clarity. Without her, my anxiety and depression would have taken me. She doesn’t know, but she’s my lighthouse in this hurricane. Just like a boat anchored to the seafloor, I can’t ever let her go.

Also, I had a fine needle biopsy, so I’ll know between 3-5 days what my fate will be.

Dazed and Confounded

It’s been a while since my last post, eh? Life’s been a blaze like a zombie on fire: stunned and confused, yet knew exactly what to do although never knowing how to execute it.

This’ll be a short one, so I’ll cut straight to the chase. I’ve been having nightmares every night for the past week.

Usually, I can immediately catch myself in a dream, and I could sometimes ride along it. However these nightmares have been working me to the bone. I wake up thinking they’re real, and each one involves some sort of terrible life changing experience.

Most of the nightmares are like recurrences of my some parts of my life, but the anxiety intensity has been cranked to a nine. What’s more intriguing is that my mother is always involved. I never dream about my mother, so you can see why I would think that these hellish episodes were documentaries and not some wicked M. Night Shaymalan fiction flicks.

I’m beginning to think that my anxiety is attacking my unconsciousness. I’ve been a bit on edge for the past few weeks, and this could be a manifestation of it. Why my mother is involved, I will never know.

Hopefully I can sleep tonight without freaking the fuck out.

One step back, two forward

Courage is grace under pressure.

– Ernest Hemingway

For the past three days, I felt like I reverted back to my old depressed self (Don’t take “depressed” too lightly. I mean it with every gravitas of my being). The culprit, me. External stressors instigated it, but I allowed it to flow through. It wasn’t a good sight. So what happened? In my previous post, I talked about the JET Programme and how this would make or break me. I didn’t mean this in the career make or break but more of my mental faculties.

I did some searching online about previous JET experiences from other people then I stumbled upon a Reddit page called /r/JETProgramme. I was happy that I happen to chance upon this since I’ve been looking for a community of JET participants. That happiness was immediately extinguished when I saw the thread “2018 APPLICATION RESULTS / INTERVIEW ADVICE MEGATHREAD.”

I thought to myself, “This can’t be happening. People are starting to talk about the interviews, yet I haven’t heard a word from them. Does that mean I failed?” Continue reading “One step back, two forward”

Asperger’s syndrome

Please read this article on Asperger’s syndrome before continuing below. My blog entry will make a whole lot of sense after you read the article.

I’ve had similar experiences like the one in the article when I was a child. I still have some experiences till now. Do I have a little bit of Asperger’s syndrome?

I remember making a project at a class. The project was not meant for that class. The teacher got mad at me told shouted, “If you wanna do that, do it outside!”

I thought, “Wow! I get to work on this without any distractions!” So I picked up all my things and went out. I continued to do my project then around thirty seconds later a classmate of mine told me to go in. I don’t remember what happened next, but I do remember the principal asking me, “Why did you leave the classroom?”

To which I answered, “She told me I could.” Continue reading “Asperger’s syndrome”

Finding a Place

I have a mental illness. It eats me away and rots what I have left of my sanity. My parents are to blame. They raised me in a broken house, and as a child, I was powerless against their desire to destroy each other. This mental illness has brought me down time and time again.

It has gotten to many points in my life where I questioned what I was to the universe. The answer to this was nothing. I am nothing to the universe, to the celestial bodies that tower over me, or the world that I am born in.

Is this the mental illness talking, or has this mental illness given me only one perspective in life?

I have tried to go on this path of finding happiness. This is not an easy quest as nothing is handed over to mere specs in the vacuum of space-time. I believe that if you have found your happiness, you have found your place. Many have seen this place but have not yet reached it. Treading the thin ice to get there is a monumental task, and I envy their opportunity to do so. I don’t even think I have this place to travel to. All I know is that I don’t belong here.

I feel like I was born in the wrong dimension. I feel like I wasn’t made for this universe. I’m not saying that I’m above everything and all of it is wrong. I’m saying that I’m an error in the system, a lost bug.

I am so detached from everything.

Or maybe this is just my mental illness talking.