Being Father Dependent

It’s been over two years since my father left this family. Yet he’s still playing a big role in decision-making, mainly because he’s the man with the money. Yes, he’s the one that keeps me and my mom alive. Not in a religious-I-love-you kind of sense, more like I-own-your-ass kind of sense.

To be controlled by a person, who I wish were dead, is just a fantastic feeling. I can’t even make decisions for myself. I ALWAYS have to ask permission from him when I need to spend on something (something that I NEED of course).

Here’s an example.

I just got off the phone with my father. I complained to him that I needed the Kindle because I needed it for school (which is true, I’m not lying. A Kindle is a student’s greatest technological portable asset, next to the laptop and cellphone). Then he tells me to be patient. The problem is, he promised me I’d get it on the first week of October… guess what day it is now.

He tells me to be patient. This pissed me off, but if I told him off, he would’ve won. So I kept silent. I told him that I would need an account for the Kindle so I could buy the books that I needed. He tells me to use my mom’s credit card instead of his. Remember, this is the man who took off with all the money, leaving us barely with any, then he tells me that I should let my mom pay for my books. Great logic, “father”.

Most of you have no idea what it feels like to be constrained by a parent who ALREADY left. I thought I would feel a bit liberated, but no. My father has still got me by the balls; he could cut off my education if he felt like it (I guess that’s one of the reasons why I’m such a workaholic ie. showing that $1,000++ per trimester isn’t wasted because I’m on the honour roll).

Another example.

Each time I’m on the honour roll, he tells my mother “Does he get a discount [on tuition]?”. My mother congratulates me, hugs me, kisses me and so on. My father thinks of the stupidest thing, money. Yeah, “dad”, I fucking feel your love all right.

I wish I wasn’t so powerless. A pathetic piece of crap that can’t stand up to his father that controls his family through money.

PS. I know, some people would consider me lucky because most fathers wouldn’t even support their family after they left. But, I believe he’s only doing this to avoid jail time, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)

I had some trouble deciding which event I wanted to share, and it came down to two. It was either the time my father left or the time when we were thrown out of our house. But I figured that it would be better to talk about my father and his departure from this family.

So please bear with me because I haven’t talked about this to an open crowd, in fact I think only three of my friends know the full details, at any rate…

The year was 2009 on the month of April. I was home alone watching TV when I heard the door open downstairs. I thought to myself “Is that mom or dad? They’re rather early”. I went back to watching TV, not minding what was going on downstairs. After a few minutes I heard heavy footsteps rise from the stairwell, “oh, it’s dad” I thought. I kept watching TV.

He went up to me and gave me a kiss on the head; I wiped my forehead and ignored him. “I’m gonna take a shower first and I need to talk to you, okay?” he said. At that point I knew something was up, “okay”. Continue reading “A Problem That You Have Had (30 Day Challenge, day 18)”

It just keeps getting harder and harder

Today my mother just told me something I wished I never heard. Now I have no choice but to find a job and pay for the bills. Yes, we are in need of financial assistance and I’m the assistance. I really don’t like the idea, but I have to work, or the bills won’t be paid. If anyone knows where I can get a job, most likely in Katipunan, that would such a great great help.

My life us great isn’t it? It just keeps going downhill and it isn’t showing any signs of slowing down :) I’m beginning to hate people a lot nowadays. Like how I hate people who are happy with their lives and how I hate people who can wake up with a smile in their face and enjoy the day and people with whole, happy families that just work and understand each other! I fucking detest those kind of people.

You may call me bitter or a hater, but what the fuck do you know about my life and how I feel? You ain’t walkin’ in my shoes, are ya?