When The Conditions Are Too Perfect

Written on March 24

Today was a rainy day. I love the rain. It makes everything nice and cool to the skin; it’s quite relaxing. The sound of the raindrops on the leaves are so therapeutic. So how did I respond to this? I popped the kettle on the stove and made myself a cuppa tea, and warmed up some sweet ensaymada that my mom brought with her from Cebu. I switched on my laptop, threw my headphones on and worked on my final papers for my classes.

Everything was going swimmingly until my iTunes chose to play ART-SCHOOL. For you to understand what I’m going to share to you, you have to listen to one of their songs. It’s a Japanese band by the way.

Continue reading “When The Conditions Are Too Perfect”

Being Father Dependent

It’s been over two years since my father left this family. Yet he’s still playing a big role in decision-making, mainly because he’s the man with the money. Yes, he’s the one that keeps me and my mom alive. Not in a religious-I-love-you kind of sense, more like I-own-your-ass kind of sense.

To be controlled by a person, who I wish were dead, is just a fantastic feeling. I can’t even make decisions for myself. I ALWAYS have to ask permission from him when I need to spend on something (something that I NEED of course).

Here’s an example.

I just got off the phone with my father. I complained to him that I needed the Kindle because I needed it for school (which is true, I’m not lying. A Kindle is a student’s greatest technological portable asset, next to the laptop and cellphone). Then he tells me to be patient. The problem is, he promised me I’d get it on the first week of October… guess what day it is now.

He tells me to be patient. This pissed me off, but if I told him off, he would’ve won. So I kept silent. I told him that I would need an account for the Kindle so I could buy the books that I needed. He tells me to use my mom’s credit card instead of his. Remember, this is the man who took off with all the money, leaving us barely with any, then he tells me that I should let my mom pay for my books. Great logic, “father”.

Most of you have no idea what it feels like to be constrained by a parent who ALREADY left. I thought I would feel a bit liberated, but no. My father has still got me by the balls; he could cut off my education if he felt like it (I guess that’s one of the reasons why I’m such a workaholic ie. showing that $1,000++ per trimester isn’t wasted because I’m on the honour roll).

Another example.

Each time I’m on the honour roll, he tells my mother “Does he get a discount [on tuition]?”. My mother congratulates me, hugs me, kisses me and so on. My father thinks of the stupidest thing, money. Yeah, “dad”, I fucking feel your love all right.

I wish I wasn’t so powerless. A pathetic piece of crap that can’t stand up to his father that controls his family through money.

PS. I know, some people would consider me lucky because most fathers wouldn’t even support their family after they left. But, I believe he’s only doing this to avoid jail time, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

Capitulus unus: Par Muto

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pic via http://uncommonpics.com/pic-5078-Happy-sad-knee

If there’s one thing that I believe in, it’s that everything has an equal equivalent to itself. For example, a hundred peso bill is equivalent to two D batteries (well not really, they’re actually 101.75 php) or an insult to a woman is equal to a kick in the nuts, or a kick to the nuts equals traumatizing incident or 10 logs of wood equals to a house to live in or a Big Mac equals to a full stomach (or an empty wallet, which ever way you look at it). So this phenomenon is called equivalent exchange (some of you people may have heard of it), it’s where one cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. So with that into account, equivalent exchange is not a cause and effect thing, but rather a trade. But this type of trading can not be controlled. For example, I lost an arm to save a cat, thing is, I did not want to lose my arm, but in order to save that cat, I had to lose an arm. Another example would be, I had a great day today, the next day, it’ll be a crappy day. You know stuff like that…

I was suppose to write this yesterday… but I decided to take a nap before writing, but that nap turned into sleep… and I slept like a log for 12 hours :D I can’t believe how tired I was after I woke up :)) but anyway here we go.

The day before yesterday, I was catching up on Glee and ended up sleeping at three A.M. (it’s that addicting @-) ) And of course, I did lack sleep :| I told myself not to be grumpy because it’s my fault for watching 5 episodes of Glee :)) anyway… I was up at 6 and I told my mom I had a headache, not because of the lack of sleep, but because the lights were on and they really really hurt :| and she told me “IT’S BECAUSE YOU SLEPT LATE AGAIN BWISIT KA!!!!!!” wow mom :| thanks for the very pleasant morning :| seriously :| I wanted to tell her it’s because of the lights, but screw it, she made me mad. Then as I was about to put my shoes on, she told me to brush them to give it some shine. And I thought to myself, the brush might be still wet, so it’ll be useless if it’s wet,  better ask her if the brush is still soaked. And I did… then she yelled “WHY?!?! IF IT’S WET YOU WON’T BRUSH???!!! HAH!!!??? LINTIKAN KANG BATAA KA!!! BWISIT KA!!!! YOU’RE SO LAZY YOU DON’T EVEN HELP AROUND THE HOUSE!!!!…” which is not true, it was only the two of us before, during and after the flood “… I WASH THE CLOTHES EVERYDAY!!!! WASH THE DISHES!!!!…” which is not true again because I always do the dishes, whether I do them on time or later on, I always end up doing the dishes “…IT’S LIKE I’M THE YAYA HERE HAH!?!?! IS THAT WHAT I AM TO YOU HAH?!?!” “I only asked if it’s wet or not…” “SO WHAT?!?!” “then I wouldn’t be able to use it if it’s wet” “LINTIK KA!!!!! EXCUSES EXCUSES!!!!!! ALWAYS EXCUSES!!!!!” from this point on I blocked out everything she said so I really don’t know what happened next. Then after everything else was finished (breakfast and dishes) I waited for my mom for just a bit, just a teensy bit, like say… I dunno, 2 seconds? Then I asked her “are we going now?” which in my sense meant, are you ready to leave? But she said ” NO…. TOMORROW PA, NEXT YEAR!!!! HOW BOUT WE NEVER LEAVE NALANG HA!?!?!” “I was only asking if….” “only asking… BWISIT KA!!!!” then at that point I told myself NEVER to ask a question in front of her ever again :|

So my trip out was a very very quite one (plus I had my earphones on) Then we finally got there…

So anyway… as a guy ( :)) ) I develop a interest to certain girls, and that children is called “crushing on…” :)) so I had a lot. And I wanted to talk to all of them, you know, just talk, but if I couldn’t, that’ll be fine with me. But there was this one girl who I really wanted to talk to, but I couldn’t find the right time and place/moment. I dunno why though… anyway whatever. So there I was minding my own business when a friend (gotta keep things hush hush :)) ) came up to me and asked “hey can you help her with this?” I look at the problem and think ‘oh that’s easy’ then look at who I’m helping, and lo and behold! It was her :P I was even kinda speechless for a moment :)) So I got to help and talk to the girl who I really really wanted to talk to :)) I even forgot that I was pissed at my mom :)) so yeah, that day started out crappy, and it ended quite happy :))

And that’s how equivalent exchange works.

Whether it be good or bad, it has it’s origins, that’s why I don’t believe in the statement “shit happens”, cause that’s bullshit. And believe me, the are so many days, events, things and etc. that are similar to this. For me, equivalent exchange does exist. I give up something I don’t need/want or really need/want in my life to get something I want/need or something I don’t want/need in my life. It may sound unfair, but it’s an equal trade, whether I like it or not. So when an unfortunate event happens to me, I accept the fact that it happened for a reason, even though I may not know what it is, and move forward. It may sound simple, but believe me, it’s not. It’s one of the hardest things one can do his entire life. Like a mother trying to move on from her only son’s or daughter’s death. But once I move on from that tragic event, I’m sure the sun will shine brighter than ever. Now if something great happened to me instead, I would be happy, period :P

So yeah…. I hope my first entry was good and helpful :D It’ll get better and better I swear :P I have to brush up on my writing and blogging skills. :))

FOREVER FORNEVER

PS please tell me if there’s an error somewhere, too lazy/sleepy to proofread. And if anyone can can make me a signature picture with the words FOREVER FORNEVER in it, thanks.