The Mistake

I’ve always thought that I loved what I studied. International Relations (IR) seemed to be a degree that I was determined to finish with pride. I’ve been so wrong, and it took me two weeks of International Law (INTLLAW) *and a semi-covert day out in Ateneo* to find out what I really wanted. It’s true though, that I love to study. I love to read things that have existed for years, and yet never heard of until I’ve read them. I love that professors teach me things that explain why the world is the way it is. My mind is hungry, so hungry that I forgot that I’m made up of more than just a slab of gray matter. I’ve been so caught up in filling my mind that I’ve completely starved my soul. I realised it the hard way.

Studying INTLLAW changed how I did things. I study way in advance, TRY to finish all the materials needed for the day, then review what I’ve studied; I also have other Majors to deal with. I kept doing this routine, until one day, I just cracked. I broke down from the stress, a pressure that I thought I was totally used to. But the stress from my family meddled with my focus to study, and I couldn’t use academics to deviate my attention away from my family. I was completely bare to the emotional attack that I apparently set up for myself all these years without knowing. I had no armour; I was made of glass instead of the usual three-inch-thick-crocodile-skin. I questioned what I was doing, “Is this what I truly want? Getting an IR degree so that I could go back to where I grew up? Is IR what I would have picked at all?” And the answer is, no. Continue reading “The Mistake”

I Was Doing Well Until You Came Along

Remember the girl I had a dream about, the one with the cherry blossoms and stuff? I kinda have this problem with her. Ever since that dream, my mind has been filling up with her likeness, and I honestly can’t stop thinking about her. For a while it seemed that I finally found THE person. I was a bit happy whenever I thought about it. Then, it just got out of hand.

It (not she, because she didn’t directly cause this) was beginning to negatively affect my performance at uni. I had a long ass time to think on how I was going to deal with this. It was difficult since she doesn’t know how I think about her, nor does she know that she’s causing all these internal aggravations. One night, I texted this to her (parentheses notes are not included in the text):

I need you to stay away from me for a while. I’ve started doing this (the staying away part) all ready. You’re literally on my mind 24/7, and I seriously cannot handle it. It’s all ready beginning to negatively affect me in my academics and my workload in the BSG (batch student government) doesn’t help either. It obviously isn’t your fault since you did nothing, ‘though that is the pleasant irony of it all. I’m not sure if I do want to tell you the specific reason as to why I’m doing this. If you really wanna know, I can give you two options: a) buy load (since she never has any credits in her phone) and ask me, “Why?” In which I would gladly reply, or b) ask (insert name here), he probably still remembers what I told him. Continue reading “I Was Doing Well Until You Came Along”