Three days ago, my girlfriend told me we needed a break. I believe it’s my fault for not being there for her. At the beginning of 2019, I was very hesitant to apply for jobs in China only because I was not sure where she and I were headed. I couldn’t go with her if she went to China because of reasons that are way too long to type out. As the year was coming to a close, that’s when I started applying since we were both sure that she was going. I was successfully hired, but I was never able to leave because my government couldn’t let me leave my own country to pursue my own dreams of living and working abroad. Fantastic.
After a month, I was able to find another job in China, but due to COVID-19, I wasn’t able to go through with it. Fast forward to three days ago, my… girlfriend? told me that we needed a break. I don’t think can even call her that anymore because that’s exactly what she needed a break from. TL:DR her feelings for me have numbed, and she doesn’t want to be called a girlfriend or be in a relationship because this kind of pressure is not good for her emotionally or mentally.
I’m not writing this entry because I want to rant about how shitty I am for not being there for her. No. I just did that in the first paragraph. I’m writing this because I feel like a part of me that came out when she and I were still literally hand-in-hand is either about to die or is about to disappear.
She brought out this inner me who I thought died when I was child. I forgot that I was starry-eyed child who saw nothing but good and hope. Goals have never been clearer and the air has never been cleaner. The more I fell in love with her, the more outward this inner me was becoming. At one one point, I woke up smiling everyday, ready to tackle come what may. But, if I told myself a year ago that this relationship was going to go south, that positive me would have laughed at the me now. No one is laughing now. Everyone’s just bawling.
I don’t know how long this positive me will ever survive. I like this part of myself. I don’t want it to die. I don’t want to be alone again. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I got my grade from my professor, and I’m fairly happy with it! If only I submitted my final paper on time, I would’ve probably gotten a 3.5. Well, I can’t really bend my grades in my department nor would I want to. Anyway, this means that I can go ahead and write with a clear and relaxed mind! Unless I fail in German4, that would just be crap.
SO! Let me tell you about this girl that I insanely like and have lost attraction towards after one evening. She’s the type that people would ignore at first sight. Were you thinking of love at first sight? She’s pretty much invisible, until you let her speak or until she wants to speak. She’s extremely intelligent, probably the most intelligent out of our entire European Studies batch. I’ve known her for a year, but I’ve only gotten to talk to her this year.
I told my friend, let’s call her Tänzerin, about this newfound attraction of mine. Tänzerin knows my type of girls that I’m attracted to: very Asian looking, extremely pretty, extremely white–basically Japanese, Korean or Chinese girls who are overly attractive. This girl whom I am insanely attracted to, let’s call her Dil Pickles (Rugrats, for those who don’t know,) is the total opposite of my usual Asian-white-girl attraction. Continue reading “Rediscovering Self-Love: The Girl”
So. A couple of days ago, I promised to publish this entry about this relationship I have with this girl (whom I insanely like by the way), rediscovery of self-love, and Buddhism. BUT I CAN’T! Why? I’m waiting for my professor in International Organisations to give the grades out. He said that he would release it yesterday, then postponed it this morning, then moved it to tonight. Still, nothing. So until I know how badly I’ve done, I won’t be able write with a relaxed mind.
Guess who’s back in the blogosphere? That’s right! Me! So Imma make a post in a couple of hours about a relationship I have with this girl, rediscovery of self-love, and Buddhism. I’m officially on vacation now, so the amount of posts will rocket! It’s great to be back! It’s great to be able to write what I want once again. Baby, I AM BACK.
I’ve been thinking of ending a friendship that I’ve had for the past three years. I’ve never really been a good friend to her for the past months. As rocky relationships go, we will never have that brother-sister-thing that we had going before; it would be too awkward now since I did confess to her. Yeah, thinking of ending a friendship with a girl that I love. How’s that for New Year?
PS. I hate Christmas; I am the Grinch.