Dazed and Confounded

It’s been a while since my last post, eh? Life’s been a blaze like a zombie on fire: stunned and confused, yet knew exactly what to do although never knowing how to execute it.

This’ll be a short one, so I’ll cut straight to the chase. I’ve been having nightmares every night for the past week.

Usually, I can immediately catch myself in a dream, and I could sometimes ride along it. However these nightmares have been working me to the bone. I wake up thinking they’re real, and each one involves some sort of terrible life changing experience.

Most of the nightmares are like recurrences of my some parts of my life, but the anxiety intensity has been cranked to a nine. What’s more intriguing is that my mother is always involved. I never dream about my mother, so you can see why I would think that these hellish episodes were documentaries and not some wicked M. Night Shaymalan fiction flicks.

I’m beginning to think that my anxiety is attacking my unconsciousness. I’ve been a bit on edge for the past few weeks, and this could be a manifestation of it. Why my mother is involved, I will never know.

Hopefully I can sleep tonight without freaking the fuck out.

What am I Doing

I’ve been neglecting my blog for a long long time. The drafts I’ve written are so old, I don’t even remember how I wanted to end them. What kept me from coming here was uni. We’ve been reading around 80 pages a day, and even more for this week and the next, because our midterms is coming up. I’m supposed to focus myself on academics, but I always wonder off to wanting a relationship. How low of me, eh? That’s not the only thing, I’ve been getting really frustrated with how routined my daily life is. Everyday, I do the same thing, and there isn’t a way that I could change it up a bit. I spend most of my time in the library during breaks just to read what my professors gave us. I get home and do the same, I commute and I do the same. I’m slowly turning into this well-oiled machine that seems to enjoy masochism. I’m just really tired of all these personal problems that I can’t solve. Give me something, anything. I know true happiness is difficult to achieve, I just want to know that it’s still out there.

Envy on Father’s Day

If you’ve read my previous entry about my father, you should. It sets the situation for what you’re about to read. But if you don’t want to, it’s fine.

As all of you well know, today is Father’s Day, a great day to be a dad. I haven’t celebrated Father’s Day since 2009, basically because I hate my father. He wasn’t much of a dad when I realised that my mom truly really loved me. Whether or not that love is more than my father’s, I will never know.

I have a friend, who I think I wrote about a while back, and my mother and I are friends with his entire family. His father is a real father figure, strong-willed, caring, funny, all that jazz. I sometimes think “why couldn’t my father be more like him?”.

But what really got me was when his father showed his fatherly affection towards his kids. It’s the type of love that you see only in dads. Continue reading “Envy on Father’s Day”

I’ve Survived Through my Second Trimester at College

Last week, I told my friend I had ‘hell week’ for three weeks, if it went on to next week, it would be hell month.

And so it did :|

Never in my life have I made 5 Final Papers in 5 days :| (at most it would’ve been 3 papers in 5 days). And one of them was done on a type writer.. A TYPEWRITER I TELL YOU! Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture (I took it mainly to gloat hahahaha!) Continue reading “I’ve Survived Through my Second Trimester at College”

Our Hierarchy of Human Stress

I had an insightful conversation with a friend some time ago about how stupid high-schoolers act when they get “stressed”. We compared our stress to that of theirs and it was obvious that these high-schoolers are overreacting. Our conversation/chat went like:

me: I really don’t like hell week, makes me think how lucky HS students are..

friend: i know! and it annoys me to death how they complain that theyre gonna die due to stress

me: IKR? 8-| They’re like “OMG dance namin hindi pa tapos /wrist” (our dance isn’t done yet) At least they have a dance..

friend: ROFL!!! and like, “OMG THESIS PAPER. GONNA DIIIEE /wrist” and i’m like, whadibuurrr. 8-|

Yeah.. that was the distressed conversation between two university students. After our chat, I realized that there was a pattern of stress and complaints amongst the various age groups.

During pre-school we really didn’t care much about anything so we would do whatever we wanted to do and our parents paid much attention to us. During our grade school days our stress would increase. We’d get home-works, projects, tests and etc. I remember looking back at my kindergarten and pre-school years (I remember my pre-school years, somewhat) and I loved the idea of just running around and finger-painting on every wall on every corner of the room. The sense of freedom but with some minor disciplining. But that freedom was only limited around our parents, beyond that, we were suppressed; same goes for grade school (in my account anyway).  After grade school, we’d graduate into high-school and our stress would increase much, much more. The added pressure of getting into a good college and making our parents proud was very much the whole thing. Continue reading “Our Hierarchy of Human Stress”